For those who didn’t get a chance to meet Andy, let me tell you a little bit about him. Andy was my husband and David and Mia’s dad. A week before Christmas of 2013, Andy was diagnosed with mediastinal germ cell cancer. Through his battle, he had more than 30 rounds of chemo, radiations, high-risk surgeries, medical treatments, and ended up paralyzed until he passed away in 2015. Although we saw how brave Andy was in the last two years of his life, Andy was not just his cancer battle.
When someone dies, sometimes people only talk about the good things they did in this life, but they never talk about the bad things. But, in Andy’s life, there is no bad to talk about. Andy was incredibly loving and SO unbelievable funny—and sarcastic. He loved to play soccer and he grew up playing baseball, he loved music, his friends, his family and his dog. One thing that impressed me so much about Andy was that he never ever complained the entire time he was sick—or ever. He always had a smile, he was so positive, he saw cancer as a blessing, and he was not afraid of dying. He was such an amazing dad, such an incredible husband. Everyone who met him loved him.
Andy, I miss you, but I am pretty sure you are so proud of us. David has become what he promised you, an amazing little baseball player. He has his dream tight to his heart. He is just like you, he won’t stop until he becomes a professional baseball player. He is also doing amazing in school, he has straight A´s. (He hates school just like you but he also pushes himself, just like you.) He is playing the saxophone (which he hates), but he is such a good kid. He is loving, caring, a good friend, a good son, he looooves music and he is so handsome. You taught him well, and I know you are so proud of him.
And Mia, oh sweet Mia, “Your Little Princess,” like you called her! She is so talented too and very determined. She is doing great at gymnastics, flipping and jumping around the house. That girl is in everything, she is in the school choir, she takes yoga classes, drawing classes, and on top of that she is an excellent student and a great sister. She loves her new baby brother and gosh she is such a good babysitter. She is so healthy and strong, but she misses you and we talk about you all the time.
Both of them look forward to the future, but they still remember their Daddy. They both have your pictures and letters in their rooms. They are my favorite people to talk with about you. Time moves on, but the pain never goes away…
The other day when I picked the kids up from school, Mia got in the car and closed the door, but I noticed something was wrong. I asked her what was wrong. She started crying and asking why Daddy had to die—and why her classmates didn’t understand that pain she was feeling. It’s been 4 years and she still misses you so much.
As a parent I wish I had the right words for these moments. I wish I could be able to make her wish I could make their pain go away and bring you back. But I can’t and that is double the pain. First, for the loss; second for not being able to heal their hurts.
Now don’t get me wrong. I have a happy life. I remarried an amazing man who cares for David and Mia like his own, and we have added the cutest, happiest (and hairiest) 6 month old baby to our family. Life is good and we are so blessed, but the pain remains.
I love my family—with the new additions—but I miss Andy. I don’t want to bring it up to people. Most of the time, they don´t know how to handle the pain, so I keep it for those close to me. But yes, I do think about him often, and the pain never goes away.
I remember September 30th 2015, the day that he died, like it was yesterday. I wish I could always think about the happy moments, but today, all I can think about is when he took his last breath. That moment of peace mixed with horror and hysteria; that love that I felt when I finally hugged him without hurting him mixed with fear and sorrow; that quietness and end of physical pain mixed with pain in my heart. I never wanted him to die, I never wanted him to go, and when my kids asked me why, quietly in my heart I ask the same question. Four long years have passed by, and people went back to their life. We even did the same, more years will come and I am sure that the pain will never go away. We love you Andy.
Isn't it crazy how much life changes in just a few months? I have never imagined my life the way it is right now, I especially never imagined that I was going to be able to feel the freedom and peace that I feel right at this moment.
As all of you know, Andy passed away of Cancer on September 30th of 2015 ( Andy was my husband, we were married for 10 beautiful years and we have two amazing kids. You can read more about his story here in my old posts).
After Andy died, my parents spent 3 weeks at my house. When they needed to go back to Mexico, that same week when they left, my sister's girl got sick and I was completely on my own. It was me and my two kids, one house, one dog and a huge to do list.
After my parents left,life was.....lets say, it was not life. I have never written about the true feelings and about the true, real things that happened after Andy was gone. Its like it was yesterday... the pain, loneliness, darkness, and more pain.
After he was gone, I started wondering why I was here on this earth? what is my purpose in life? what am I suppose to do now? who Am I? I am not Andy's wife anymore, I am not the caregiver, I am not the strong mom anymore, I am not the brave one, I am not what everybody thinks anymore, what is the purpose of all this pain?
I didn't understand what the heck was happening, I spent numerous hours on the couch, crying and screaming, not showering, especially not eating for days, not knowing what to do or where to go, depression was my only friend and everything was just plain dark and confusing.
I wanted to pray so bad, I wanted to talk to God,but I was justso mad at Him. I couldn't talk to Him, I couldn't even think about Him, I was mad, nothing was fair, nothing made sense and there was no way I would be able to talk to someone who in my mind, destroyed my "perfect life". What was God thinking? didn't He see everything that "I did for my husband"?Doesn't He know how much my kids would miss him? Why was He doing this to me, I gave it all for Andy and all for nothing? Are you kidding me? I was just mad.Little did I know, He had a perfect plan in place for me.
That same week that my parents left town,I met someone who I believe was sent by God. He was someone who helped me meet,knowand follow Jesus. He was someone who introduced me to Jesus' life.
He was someone who explained and answered all my doubts and questions.He was Someone who truly cared and prayed for my salvation. This person was always very respectful and NEVER pushed me to do anything that I didn´t want to do. This person NEVER invited me to his church, nor did this person Ever ask me to read the Bible. This person NEVER told me that I was right or wrong going to the mormon church, this person left EVERYTHING to God and I never felt pushed to do absolutely anything that I didn't want to do.
This person, after I asked for it, gave me my very first bible, that´s right, I have never even read the Bible before!!
That's when I started wondering and asking questions, who is this Jesus guy? This is not the same story that I knew! Wait, what? God didn't have a wife? Jesus wasn't in Heaven with me next to Satan before I came to earth?So they were not "spirit brothers"??
Jesus is God and God is Jesus??
Why isthis bible different from the one I knew??
God paid for my sins and He loves me the way I am?
So, you mean I don't have to do this, and that, and go here and wear this and that in order to go to Heaven?? wait a minute... I don't have to be perfect to be in the highest level of Heaven? God loves me just because?
I can go on and on with all the questions that I started wondering.
Darkness was not so dark anymore. Slowly all my anger towards God transformed in gratitude, gratitude for the opportunity to know that there is only one God, gratitude for the opportunity to be the mom of two beautiful kids who trust me and love me, gratitude because even after I ran away from God, He never gave up on me, He was patient, He was forgiving,He was loving, He was so worried about me and He never left my side.
It was about 2 months after Andy died when I stopped going to the Mormon church and I got baptize in a Christian church almost a year ago.
God is truly in charge. He has a plan even when sometimes it is hard to understand.
Lately I have been not just reading the Bible but truly listening to what God has to tell me when I am reading.
He has spoke directly to me through His words and I have no doubt in my heart that He knows what I am going through.
I have never had a good relationship with God before.I always believed in God but I believed that a relationship with God is like a friendship. You need to invest time on a friend, you need to hang out, talk, text, get to know your friend, be there for that friend, be honest, be loving, and I never had that with God.
It was not until two months ago when I experienced another big trial in my life ( at least big for me),when my life was turned upside down again, when I realized that my relationship with God was still not where it needed to be and I realized that He truly needs to be first before anyone or anything else.
Since then, my life is a completely new life, far from perfect,but an amazingly beautiful new life.
I wont go into details of why I left the mormon church, I just want to tell you why I decided to follow Jesus.
Jesus paid for all my sins, He died for me, He loves me for who I am, with all my million mistakes and with all my fears, He loves me.
I am free! I don´t have to do absolutely anything to earn my way to Heaven!
I don´t have to kill myself anymore trying to be this "perfect" person anymore, I can be me!!
He loves me for who I am not for what I do or don´t do. I am NOT my own savior!!! My salvation doesn´t depend on what I do, my salvation depends on my trust and faith on Jesus and I can not earn my way to God.
The Bible says on Galatians 1: 6-10
I am astonished that you are so quickly deserting the one who called you to live in the grace of Christ and are turning to a different gospel— which is really no gospel at all. Evidently some people are throwing you into confusion and are trying to pervert the gospel of Christ.But even if we or an angel from heaven should preach a gospel other than the one we preached to you, let them be under God’s curse!As we have already said, so now I say again: If anybody is preaching to you a gospel other than what you accepted, let them be under God’s curse!Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.
I believe there is only ONE Gospel of Jesus Christ, only one, the Bible.
I don´t want it to be focused on me and my sins, because I want to focus just on Jesus.
I heard something in a sermon once, What you focus on is what you move towards! This is so true, I don´t want to focus on what I can't do because then eventually I will do it.
Instead, I want to repent and put all my love and time on Jesus. I want to trust Him and I don't want to be motivated by fear anymore. I don´t want to be afraid about not being good enough because Godis enough.
This week I was able to go to an amazing performance of Hossana Poetry, and I realized so many things....When I used to look in the mirror, in my moments of desperation, I used to feel like I was the victim. I was responding to so many different "names" or labels that people created for me or that I alone created for me. Names like: victim, forgotten, guilty, jealous, widow, controlling, the care giver, lonely, the angry one, the one who left the Mormon church, the one who left her Mormon friends, the ungrateful, the one with a crazy childhood, the one who runs, the one who needs to be perfect, the one who decided to date months after her husband died, the one who joined a new church, the "poor me", the one who didn't follow the rules, the Mexican, the stay at home mom without aspirations, and many other names that use to fit perfectly.
Moving forward you can continue calling me all of those names but I will no longer respond. I have new names.I am a Child of God, I am the follower of Jesus, I am a Christian, I am Jesus's friend, I am a messenger, pure, I am no longer a slave to sin, worthy, righteous, I am chosen, a citizen of Heaven, I am forgiven, loved, I am a mom who will teach her kids who God is, I have new names and I won't respond to any other.
Few months ago my mom and dad also received Jesus into their life. My mom is planning on getting baptized soon and they go to a Christian church in Mexico. My brother and sister in law also left the Mormon church.
Few months after I received Jesus, my son David, asked me to take him with me to my church. I honestly left everything to God. After much thought and prayer, I let him make his own choice toaccept Jesus Christ as his only savior.He also got baptize in the Christian church, and dear friends, our life has never been better.
Of course we have our trials, of course we have grief for Andy and course life is not perfect, but nothing will take away the love that we have for God. He saved me, He rescued me from that dark place, He loves me so much that He is giving me a second chance, a chance to be with Him again.
After my choice of following Jesus, someone advised me that because of my choice to leave the Mormon church, I will never be able to see Andy again!! I am so grateful for God's word, I am so happy that I am able to talk to God and that He gets back to me. I know with all my heart that Iwill absolutelysee him again because God loves me, because God knows me, because God doesn´t care about my defects or mistakes.
God wants me to be happy, because God is so proud of me, because God teaches us to love one another. I believe Andy knows things that I don't.We feel andy with us and Andy loved/loves me so deeply as I loved/love him so deeply.
God knows it and He wants one and only thing, God wants to see me happy. So yes I will see Andy again.
I will always be grateful with the Mormon community, the help, service and care that we received while Andy was sick is something that we will always be grateful for.
My journey hasn't been an easy one, losing my husband is not something that I had planned......leaving a church that I was part of for 12 years was not easy.....losing friendships and experiencing loneliness and fear was not simple.
My choice of following Jesus was SIMPLE.
My actions may have brought some chaos for others but I wouldn't change a thing because I am where He wants me to be. I found Jesus.
I will follow Him no matter what, no matter who, no matter the trials, and I can´t wait to see what His plan is for me and my kids.
Here is a video of the day I got baptized. Watch minute 14.02 to 14.38 :)
"We have decided to follow Jesus" and we are NOT turning back!
As I am sitting on a plane on our way back home to Phoenix after a travel delay and a missed connecting flight, I am able to take some time to think a little more about the incredible night that we as the Moss family had on Saturday, April 29. To give you a little perspective, let me take you back and share Andy’s story:
As many of you know, Andy Moss, my husband and the love of my life, was diagnosed with Mediastinal Germ Cell Cancer when he was 29 years old. It was a week before Christmas in 2013 when he came home with the news. Andy passed away less than two years later on September 30th, 2015. Before he died, he did something that inspired his family even today: he wrote his bucket list. After finding out that there was nothing else the doctors could do to reverse the cancer (Andy had chemotherapy, radiation, two bone marrow transplants, two major surgeries, and suffered paralysis in his lower extremities), instead of shutting down and giving up, and he made a list of things to live for. Even as he transitioned to hospice, he remained positive and resilient throughout his entire two years through the very end. He never complained but was always smiling and loving…he was truly an Angel.
He was able to finish almost every single item on the bucket list. But he had a few things he couldn’t complete. His body was just too sick and did not allow him to finish. One of those items was to take my son David to Boston to watch a Red Sox game. Last year, the fan group for Zac Brown Band, named “ZAMILY", together with some great friends (Bill Clements and Katherine Flaherty and Liz Valenzuela) bought plane tickets and prepared a trip to Boston, along with game tickets and so much more, so Andy could go with David to watch a Red Sox game!
Unfortunately, Andy’s condition deteriorated rapidly right before the game. The day he was supposed to be cheering on the Red Sox with his son at Fenway Park, he was admitted to the Mayo Clinic in Arizona. Despite the exceptional medical care, Andy passed away a few months later.
The same week that Andy died, while he was being cared for at Hospice of the Valley in Gilbert, Arizona, Andy had one last talk with our son. My good friend, Rickelle Mendez, and I were there taking notes while Andy spoke with David, so nothing would be forgotten. It was in this last conversation—I remember it was a Sunday—David told Andy, “Daddy, I promise you I will go to Boston to a Red Sox game to meet Big Papi, and I promise you I will be a professional baseball player one day.” To this, Andy replied, “I know you will and I promise you that I will be at every single baseball game that you play watching you from Heaven.” David smiled and they hugged. Andy passed away 3 days later on Wednesday, September 30th, 2015.
David and Andy had such a strong connection. Ever since David was born, Andy found his "bestest friend." (This is what David would say.) Baseball was their love and the Red Sox was their team. Since David was a baby, they would go to baseball games in Arizona, talk about the Red Sox, watch their games, discuss their players, and collect their baseball cards. They always talked about baseball and their Red Sox. When David was three years old, he started t-ball. A couple years later, he started baseball, and Andy was his coach every season until he got sick.
At the very end when Andy was paralyzed because his cancer spread to his spine, all they could do was play baseball video games together. Even then, David was always Big Papi and Andy was always Dustin Pedroia (Red Sox infielder) in the video game. They spent hours and hours talking about their "games." Every night, after putting our 4-year-old daughter Mia in bed, David would beg to stay up late so he could talk with Daddy about the Red Sox games or play video games with Andy. David still loves playing baseball, and even made a club team in Mesa, Arizona after his very first tryout! (Can you tell I’m proud!?!?!) David’s love for baseball, his passion for the Red Sox and his obsession with David Ortiz goes back for years. Ask anyone who knows David well, and they will tell you, “He loves Big Papi!” (I even call my own son "Little Papi!" Haha!)
But after Andy died, I had the most difficult weeks of my life. I could barely put one foot in front of the other, much less think about bucket list items to complete. The love of my life was gone and my heart was broken. Putting life back together was not easy. It was the most difficult thing I had to do, especially after walking alongside Andy while he was fighting, and dying, from cancer. In the midst of the dark valley, I have been so blessed with some amazing close friends and family who love me, know me and support me. But in December of 2015, something else happened. In that month, I realized that I needed help from God. I had to make Him a priority in my life, so I decided to follow Him. It was at this time that my life and heart changed completely. I received Jesus into my life. I know I am a child of God and that He is in control of my life. I feel Him in my life now. And not just mine, but also David's life and Mia's too—and of course, Andy’s. It was when I got to know God that my perspective and my outlook began to change. After praying and reading His words, and after more praying, I slowly got back on my feet. I am not “there” yet, but I have seen His hand in everything in my life. He has brought me joy, when I felt only despair.
It was around this time same time that I decided I was going to find a way to finish Andy's bucket list. So I sold Andy's motorcycle in order to do the things that he didn't get to do. From the motorcycle money, I was able to take the kids to Hawaii for what would have been our 10th wedding anniversary, the week of March 25th, 2016. If you know me, I normally wouldn’t leave the Phoenix metro area without Andy’s help, much less hop on a plane and cross the ocean, but conquered my fears and the three of us enjoyed 10 years of being a family together!
With the momentum of Hawaii, I knew I could finish the bucket list, and nothing was going to stop a mom who wants to see her little boy happy. I found out that the Red Sox were going to play the Yankees in Boston on the exact day of both David and Andy’s birthday—April 29. (We never planned for them to have the same birthdays. It was just meant to be.) So months ago I emailed every single person that I could think of until I contacted an amazing woman, Christine Monaco from the Red Sox organization. She sent some presents (months ago) for David and a card telling him about the game on April 29th.
To be honest, I know nothing about baseball. I don't know players, their positions, their numbers…nothing. BUT my David does. He collects baseball cards, he can tell you exact players with their positions and stats that most people don’t know exist, and my boy learned it all from his daddy. They used to look at baseball cards day and night and talk about them for hours and
hours. And I just watched them as they grew closer. Little did I realize that Andy's knowledge would take root in David’s heart and mind.
When I began to get in contact with Red Sox management, I was going to do my best to finish my husband’s bucket list and to make my boy’s dream—and commitment to his father—come true. This is what I committed to. At the same time, I know “Who” is truly in charge. As a mom I will stop at nothing to make my children happy. I also know that absolutely nothing on this earth will move without God willing it to be. I understand you may not agree with me on this point, but I know that in the midst of all of my family’s pain over the last two-and-a-half years, God was on my side, and He was gracious enough to go above and beyond what I could have ever asked for or imagined. So this mom can plan a trip to Boston, buy tickets to a game, connect with the Red Sox organization, make a sign for her son and scream to get Big Papi’s attention, but only God could have orchestrated what happened for my boy’s eighth birthday, and Andy's first birthday in Heaven.
What resulted from last weekend’s events was nothing short of miraculous. National social media blew up—along with my phone. Going to a Red Sox game was a bucket list item checked off. Meeting Big Papi was a promise kept from a seven year old boy to his dying father (and a lot of work from the kindest people behind the scenes), but when A-rod touched my boy's heart by giving David his home-run bat, and all of this happening on his birthday? That came from a Heavenly Father who looked down, heard and answered a widow’s prayer to make this little boy happy for his birthday, because God knows my David not only lost his father, but also his best friend. God knows that this is exactly what Andy would have wanted, exactly what David needed and more than what I could have prayed for.
So, when I saw David standing next to Big Papi, I lost it. It was an ugly cry, but it wasn’t a sad one. All I had was gratitude to God for allowing us to spend an entire day of joy and smiles, a day where I felt Andy next to me, a day where David was jumping for joy, a day where I was busy taking pictures and videos, knowing in my heart that this wasn’t my doing, but God placing precious souls in the perfect place at the perfect time so a boy’s dreams could come true. I had no idea—no idea at all—that we were on TV as it was happening.
The articles and interviews are nice, but I also know they will eventually fade away. More than anything, I am grateful for precious friends (Family, friends, Zack Brown Fans, Bill Clements, Katherine Flaherty, Liz Valenzuela and Christine Monaco) for their work behind the scenes, to the Red Sox Organization for going above and beyond, to Big Papi for taking time to meet my son, and to Alex Rodriguez for keeping a promise to a boy he just met.
I know with all my soul that I was not doing it alone. I know that my Heavenly Father never left my side and that he listened to my prayers of letting my boy have joy and happiness as we celebrated Andy's first birthday in Heaven. And I know my Andy was there with our son all night long and that he kept smiling, celebrating the birthday of his "Bestest Friend David."
Here are couple of links where you can see what the media had to say about Alex Rodriguez giving the bat to Davjd:
Also... The Second annual Andys run is A little over 2 weeks away.
Take a minute to go to the events page and read up on this years recipients. (Mason and his Mom are both battling cancer)The Rowley family has an incredible story and was very special to Andy Moss
https://www.facebook.com/events/1010867385616293/
•••Please share this event and sign up here https://runsignup.com/Race/AZ/Mesa/Secondannualandysrun
If you are able to donate any items to the raffle or fruit for the runners, please let me know.
Thanks everyone.
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EN ESPANOL
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El sueño de una papá, de la promesa de un hijo, La oración de una madre. . . y el juego de los Red Sox / Yankees
Estoy sentada en un avión en nuestro camino de vuelta a casa a Phoenix después de que nuestro vuelo se retraso asi es que finalmente pude tomar algún tiempo para pensar un poco más sobre la increíble noche que nosotros, como la familia Moss tuvimos el sábado, el 29 de abril para darles un poco de perspectiva, me ire un poco atras para compartir de nuevo la historia de Andy.
Como muchos de ustedes saben, Andy Moss, mi esposo y el amor de mi vida, fue diagnosticado con cáncer de células germinales mediastinales cuando tenía 29 años. Fue una semana antes de Navidad en 2013, cuando llegó a casa con la noticia. Andy falleció menos de dos años después, el 30 de septiembre de 2015. Antes de morir, hizo algo que inspiró su familia y amigos, incluso hoy en día: escribió su lista de ultimos deseos. Después de descubrir que no había nada más que los médicos pudieran hacer para revertir el cáncer (Andy tuvo quimioterapias, radiaciónes, dos trasplantes de médula ósea, dos cirugías mayores, y sufrió parálisis en sus extremidades inferiores), en lugar de apagarse y renunciar, el hizo una lista de las cosas que queria vivir. A pesar de que hizo la transición a cuidados paliativos, que se mantuvo positivo y resistente a lo largo de sus dos años enteros hasta el mismísimo final. Nunca se quejó, pero siempre estaba sonriendo y animado... él era verdaderamente un ángel. Un angel que solo vino a esta tierra a ensenarnos el gran ejemplo de lo que significa vivir como si estuvieras muriendo, vivir como si fuera el ultimo dia de tu vida, vivir con una sonrisa en la cara y vivir para hacer feliz a los que mas te aman.
Él fue capaz de terminar casi cada cosa en la lista de ultimos deseos . Pero tenía algunas cosas que no pudo completar. Su cuerpo estaba demasiado enfermo y no le dejó acabar. Una de esas cosas era llevar a mi hijo David a Boston para ver un partido de los Red Sox (Medias Rojas) . El año pasado, el grupo de fans de Zac Brown Band, llamado Zamily, junto con algunos grandes amigos (Bill Clements y Katherine y Liz Valenzuela) compraron los boletos de avión y prepararon un viaje a Boston, junto con boletos para el juego y mucho más, así que Andy iba apoder ir con David para ver un partido de los Red Sox! Por desgracia, la condición de Andy se deterioró rápidamente justo antes del juego. El día que se suponía que deberia de estar en el partido echandole porras a a los Medias Rojas con su hijo en el Fenway Park, fue ingresado en la Clínica Mayo de Arizona. A pesar de la atención médica excepcional Andy murió, mientras estaba siendo atendido en Hospicio del Valle en Gilbert, Arizona.
Andy tuvo una última conversacion con nuestro hijo. Mi mejor , Rickelle Méndez, me ayudo a tomar notas de las cosas que Andy habló con David, para que pudiera yo recorder todo. Fue en esta última conversación-recuerdo que era un domingo-David le dijo a Andy, "Papi, te prometo que voy a ir a Boston a un partido de los Red Sox para conocer a Big Papi, y te prometo que seré un jugador profesional de béisbol algun día. "a esto, Andy respondió:" yo sé que lo harás y te prometo que voy a estar en cada partido de béisbol y te estare viendo desde el cielo. "David sonrió y se abrazaron. Andy falleció 3 días más tarde el Miércoles, 30 de septiembre de 2015.
David y Andy tenían una conexión tan fuerte. Desde que nació David, Andy encontró a su "mejor amigo". (Esto es lo que diría David.) El béisbol era su amor y los Medias Rojas fue su equipo favorite . Desde que David era un bebé, ellos van a los partidos de béisbol en Arizona, hablaban de los Medias Rojas, veian todos los partidos juntos , hablaban de sus jugadores, y coleccionaban sus tarjetas de béisbol. Siempre hablaban de béisbol y sus Medias Rojas. Cuando David tenía tres años de edad, comenzó a jugar baseball y Andy siempre era su entrenador de cada partido hasta que se enfermo. .
Al final, cuando Andy quedo paralizado debido a su cáncer que se expandio a su columna vertebral, lo único que podían hacer era jugar videojuegos, juegos de béisbol juntos. Incluso entonces, David siempre fue Big Papi y Andy siempre fue Dustin Pedroia en el videojuego. Pasaban horas y horas hablando de sus "juegos". Todas las noches, después de acostar a mi hijoa de 4 años de edad, Mia en la cama, David siempre nos rogaba quedarse despierto hasta mas tarde para que poder platicar con su papá acerca de los juegos de los Medias Rojas o jugar juegos de vídeo con Andy. David todavía ama el béisbol, e incluso acaba de entrar a un equipo de club de baseball en Mesa, Arizona, después de su primera puesprueba!! (Se nota que estoy super orgullosa de mi hijo?? jaja)
El Amor de David por el béisbol, su pasión por los Medias Rojas y su obsesión con David Ortiz se remonta desde hace años. Pregunte a cualquier persona que conozca bien a David, y ellos le dirán, "David ama a Big Papi!" (Incluso llamo a mi propio hijo siempre le he dicho mi "Little Papi!" Haha! osea mi papito jaja)
Pero después de que Andy murió, pase por las semanas más difíciles de mi vida. Apenas podía poner un pie delante del otro,no tenia cabeza para nada y mucho menos pensar en las cosas que le faltaron a Andy por hacer en la lista de sus ultimos deseos.
El amor de mi vida se había ido y mi corazón estaba roto. Recuperar una vida y darme cuenta que mi familia en esta tierra solo consistia de tres, no fue nada facil. De hecho fue la cosa más difícil que he tenido que hacer en toda mi vida, sobre todo después de caminar junto a Andy mientras él estaba luchando y muriendo, de cáncer.
En medio de este tunel tan oscuro, he sido afortunada, he contado con increíbles pocos amifos que me quiere, me conocen y me apoyan. Pero en diciembre de 2015, sucedió algo más. En ese mes, me di cuenta de que necesitaba ayuda de Dios. Tenía que hacerlo una prioridad en mi vida, así que decidí seguirlo. Fue en este momento que mi vida y mi corazón cambió por completo. He recibido a Jesús en mi vida. Yo sé que soy un hijo de Dios y que Él está en control de mi vida. Yo lo siento en mi vida ahora. Y no sólo en la mia, sino también la vida de David y Mia y, por supuesto, en la de Andy. Fue cuando llegué a conocer a Dios que mi perspectiva y mi visión comenzó a cambiar. Después de la oración y la lectura de sus palabras, y después de más oración, poco a poco mis pies se encaminaron, mi vida se comenzo a recuperar, poco a poco fui encontrando la luz, aun no estoy del todo ahi, aun me quedan muchas cosas por aprender, muchas cosas por sanar, muchas noches que llorar, pero en cada cosa que pasa en mi vida he visto la mano de Dios en ellas.
Fue en ese mismo momento que decidí que iba a encontrar una manera de terminar la lista de últimos deseos de Andy. Así que he decidi vender la moto de Andy (que el tanto amaba) con el fin de hacer las cosas que él no llegó a hacer. Con el dinero de la motocicleta, pude de llevar a los niños a Hawaii por lo que habría sido nuestro 10 aniversario de boda, la semana del 25 de marzo de 2016. Si ustedes me conoce, normalmente jamas hubiera dejado el area de Phoenix sin la ayuda de Andy , mucho menos hubiera subido a un avión y cruzar el océano, pero tuve que vencer mis temores y los tres, David Mia y yo celebramos 10 años de ser una familia juntos!
Fue una celebración increíble donde pudimos hablar de Andy todos los días, donde el nos acompano a cada momento, fue un viaje de sueno donde dia a dia pensábamos mi daddy estaría haciendo esto, estaría diciendo esto, pudimos honrrarlo y recordarlo a cada instante y jamas olvidaremos esa experiencia.
Al haber visto lo que pude hacer en Hawai, sabía que podía terminar la lista de deseos de Andy , y nada iba a detener a una madre que quiere ver a su pequeño niño feliz. Me di cuenta de que los Medias Rojas iban a jugar contra los Yankees en Boston en el día exacto de David y cumpleaños-29 de abril asi como también el cumpleano sde Andy (que David y Andy compartieran el mismo cumpleaños jamas fue planeado simplemente asi estaba pre dispuesto.)
Entonces, hace meses envié un correo electrónico a cada persona que se me ocurrió hasta que entré en contacto con una increíble mujer , Christine Mónaco de la organización de los Medias rojas.
Para ser honestoa no sé nada sobre el béisbol. No sé jugadores, sus posiciones, sus números ... nada. Pero mi David si lo sabe todo. Colecciona tarjetas de béisbol, el te puede decir exactamente quien es quien con solo ver la cara de los jugadores, el conoce toda la historia de cada uno, cuantos home runs tienen, cuanto les pagan, que equipos han estado y sabe todo acerca de los jugadores con sus posiciones y las estadísticas que la mayoría de las personas no saben que existen, y mi hijo aprendió todo de su padre. Siempre los encontraba hablando de baseball y leyendo y cambiando tarjetas de baseball yc oleccionandolas, yo la verdad siempre los veía, me encantaba verlos, pero fue después de que Andy murió que me di cuenta de la gran herencia que Andy le dejo a David.
Cuando empecé a ponerme en contacto con la gerencia de los Medias Rojas, supe que iba yo a hacer todo lo posible para terminar la lista de deseos de mi esposo y sobre todo que haria lo que fuera, hasta lo imposible para hacer de mi sueño de hijo realidad. Asi mismo como cumplir el trato el que David hizo con su padre. Esto es a lo que me comprometí a. Al mismo tiempo, sé "Quién" es realmente responsable. Como madre no me detendré ante nada para hacer felices a mis hijos. También sé que absolutamente nada en esta tierra se moverá si Dios no quiere que sea asi. Se perfectamente que no todos ustedes van a estar de acuerdo conmigo en este punto, pero sé que en el medio de todo el dolor de mi familia durante los últimos dos años y medio, Dios estaba de mi lado, y era lo suficientemente bueno para ir más allá de lo que pude haber pedido o imaginado. Por lo que esta madre puede planear un viaje a Boston, comprar entradas para un partido, conectar con la organización de los Medias Rojas, hacer una pancarta para su hijo y gritar para llamar la atención de Big Papi, pero sólo Dios podría haber orquestado planeado y ejecutado lo que ocurrió durante el octavo cumpleaños de mi hijo y el primer cumpleaños de Andy en el cielo.
Lo que resultó de los acontecimientos de la semana pasada era nada menos que un milagro. los medios de comunicación social nacional explotaron , junto con mi teléfono. Ir a un partido de los Red Sox era un deseo mas de la lista de últimos deseos de Andy . Conocer con Big Papi era una promesa cumplida de un niño de siete años a su padre moribundo (y un montón de trabajo de las personas más amables detrás de las camaras), pero cuando A-Rod tocó el corazón de mi hijo dando David su bate de home runes, y todo esto sucede en su cumpleaños? No hay otra respuesta alguna mas que la contestación de un Padre Celestial quien atentamente escuho las oraciones de una madre, oraciones que simplemente pedían, por favor deja que mi hijo pueda ser feliz el dia de hoy. El contestó la oración de una viuda para que este pequeño niño fuera feliz por su cumpleaños, porque Dios sabe que mi David no sólo perdió a su padre, sino también su mejor amigo. Dios sabe que esto es exactamente lo que Andy hubiera querido, exactamente lo que sucedió.
Por lo tanto, cuando vi a David de pie junto a Big Papi, toda esa fuerza y ese coraje que había yo demostrado en Hawaii y en todo el viaje a Boston, lo perdi, me volvi en llano sin poder controlarme, pero eran lagrimas no de tristeza sino de felicidad y agradecimiento . Todo lo que tenía en mi mente y corazón era gracias a Dios por permitirnos pasar todo un día lleno de alegría y sonrisas, un día en el que sentí Andy junto a mí, un día donde David estaba saltando de alegría, un día en el que me la pase ocupada tomando fotos y videos en mi celular , sabiendo en mi corazón que esto no era cosa mía, sino cosa de Dios colocando preciosas almas en el lugar perfecto en el momento perfecto para que los sueños de un niño podrían hacerse realidad. No tenía ni idea en absoluto, en ese momento que todo paso, yo no tenia la mas remota idea de que estábamos saliendo en televisión nacional. Los artículos y las entrevistas son increibles, pero también sé que con el tiempo se desvanecerán. Más que nada, estoy agradecida por los amigos increibles(familiares, amigos, fans Zack Brown, Bill Clements, Katherine , Liz Valenzuela y Christine Mónaco) por su trabajo detrás de las escenas, mil gracias a la organización de los Medias Roja por ir más allá de lo que la familia Moss se pudiera imaginar, gracias a Big Papi por tomarse el tiempo para conocer a mi hijo, y Alex Rodríguez por mantener una promesa a un niño que acababa de conocer. Sé con toda mi alma que no lo hice soloa. Sé que mi Padre Celestial nunca se fue de mi lado y que él escuchó mis oraciones y permitio que mi niño tuviera alegría y felicidad al celebrar el primer cumpleaños de Andy en el cielo. Y sé que mi Andy estaba allí con nuestro hijo durante toda la noche y que él siguió sonriendo, celebrando el cumpleaños de su mejor amigo!
Feliz cumpleanos mi Andy, se que celebraste gritaste y cantaste con nosotros cada instante.
I have really been avoiding stopping by my blog, not because I don't love it but because I feel like I am not in a great place where I can be a good positive example for others but here I am.
Two days ago I was talking with a good friend and I was asking how would you do things if you were in my position? How would you handle things? The answer left me thinking so much and with an amazing warm feeling of gratitude and love ...The answer was, I would always recognize and know that Jesus loves me, that he is real, I would try to get up each day and survive that one single day, trying to live life, to smile but allowing myself to mourn and miss and cry but most important I would be doing exactly what you are doing Leyla. Just the same .
That conversation made me realize that I have been too hard on myself, that it's okay to not be in a perfect place, that it's okay to not have many "good things " to share as long as I am trying, as long as I am allowing myself to be sad or happy, to laugh and cry, that it's okay to be where I am right now. It's not that I am unbelievably depress or always down, but I recognize that I am not the same person that I used to be before, I recognize that I cry more than I was used to, that I am vulnerable more than I would like, that I am experiencing new feelings that I never had before and especially that all of this its "okay" to have.
The other day I was reading an article that my friend sent me where they were talking about grief. Let me tell you, what an incredibly strong thing this grieving process is. They were saying that it's like waves. It comes and it hits you out of no where and then you loose it and then you cry and then it goes away. At the beginning those waves come so often and so hard so in expectable and so in your face, after few weeks they start coming more apart from each other, still in in expectable still hard but not as often as the first days, after some months they still coming in in expectable ways and the are still hard but you won't see them come as often . And guess what, after years they will still come and they will still hurt and they will never stop coming, those waves are always going to be in your life after loosing someone, those waves are never going to go away because grieving never ends, because loosing someone it's not something that you can move on from. Because loosing someone is something that marked your heart and that will never ever go away no matter what.
It has been so hard to admit and realize that those waves are going to slap me in the face when I least expect them. Sometimes it's a song, sometimes it's food, sometimes it's someone's comment, a smell, a place, and I can go on and on. It's not like I am sad all day long but when they come they catch me by surprise and I have to admit that it's really hard .
Lately I have been feeling like I'm in a better place ( or want to be). I have been grabbing on to positive loving people in my life that Heavenly Father has been sending me, that have help me to enjoy and laugh and smile and cry . I have been able to be a little bit more like me, the dancing Leyla, the singing Leyla, the cleaning Leyla and of course the crying Leyla and I am so grateful for the joy that I have been able to feel in the middle of the storm.
I have been willing to let myself enjoy life and have fun whenever I can. I have been opening my heart more to Heavenly Father's words. I have been truly trying to live life even when those waves slap me sometimes harder and harder.
Today, Christmas Eve, all these memories are hitting me like a tsunami, and I am okay with it, it's okay to feel Iike you are drowning as soon as you have your life jacket on. I miss Andy so so much, he was the love of my life, I will never ever be able to love someone like I loved him, I will never be able to pass one Christmas without feeling empty or like something is missing. He made Christmas so special, he was so amazing at surprising me on Christmas, his presents were always the best presents, not because they were expensive but because he put so much love, time and dedication on them. He used to wake up super early and made sure Santa's cookies were ready, that presents were ready, made baby Jesus breakfast for the kids, did the dishes so I didn't have to do anything that day, helped the kids putting toys together, he was In Charge of the music, the food, he truly was Christmas, and Christmas without Andy is not Christmas. But life is still going and my kids are kids and the world keeps moving and I have to honor him this Christmas and know that it's okay to not being okay.
I am so grateful for the love that I have been feeling lately, I am unbelievable grateful for friends and family and the support and comfort that I have been feeling but more specifically grateful for the knowledge that there is someone there that knows me, that understands my pain, that is holding me when I am trying to hold onto Him. He was born to save me. He was born and had to start all over just like me. What a wonderful present I have, what a blessing it is to know that Jesus was born and that He truly knows how I feel when those waves are getting close to me, that he is using his power to send me his messages on daily basis, that he has a plan for me even when I can't understand it and that he is right next to me when I am drowning because that's when he reaches out and pulls me out telling me it's okay to not be okay.
I miss you Andy, I think of you every day, I wish I could hug you and kiss you and tell you how much I need you, but I know we will have tons of Christmas to celebrate together, merry first Christmas in Heaven mi Vida! I will forever love you!
Today I ask you to please pray for those spending this holiday in a hospital room, for those caregivers and their families that they can feel our love and prayers. I wish you all a peaceful day full of love Feliz Navidad
Leyla
"You know I miss you and always will, but don't shed a tear. I'll be spending Christmas with Jesus this year". Unknown ❤️❤️
He pensado seriamente en cerrar mi blog, por que siento que no estoy en un ligar donde pueda ser un buen ejemplo positivo a los demás, pero aquí estoy.
Ayer estuve hablando con un buen amigo y me preguntaba ¿cómo harias las cosas si estuvieras en mi lugar? La respuesta me dejó pensando mucho y con una increíble sensación de l gratitud y el amor ... La respuesta fue, yo siempre lo reconozco y sé que Jesús me ama, que es real, estaría tratando de levantarme cada día y sobrevivir un solo día, tratando de vivir la vida, de sonreír, pero dejandome mañana tal vez llorar, pero más importante que estaría haciendo exactamente lo que está haciendo Leyla. Justo lo mismo .
Esa conversación me hizo darme cuenta de que he sido demasiado duro conmigo mismo, que está bien no estar en un lugar perfecto, que está bien no tiener hoy demasiadas "cosas buenas" para compartir el tiempo que estoy triste o feliz, reír y llorar, que está bien para estar donde estoy ahora. No es que yo este siempre triste o siempre hacia abajo, pero reconozco que no soy la misma persona que solía ser antes, reconozco que lloro más de lo que estaba acostumbrada, que soy vulnerable más de lo que quisiera, que estoy experimentando nuevas sensaciones que nunca tuve antes y especialmente que todo esto su "bien" lo tiene.
El otro día estaba leyendo un artículo que mi amigo me envió donde hablaban de dolor. Déjame que te cuente, jugadon y fuerte es esta cosa de duelo. Estaban diciendo que es como las olas. Viene y te golpea de la nada y luego lo pierdes y luego lloras y luego se va. Al principio esas olas vienen tan a menudo y tan duro e inesperadas y así en tu cara, después de unas semanas se empiezan a llegar más alejados unos de otros, todavía en inesperadas, siendo difícil, pero no tan a menudo como los primeros días, después de algunos meses, sigue viniendo en forma inesperada y todavía son difíciles pero no verlas venir tan a menudo. Y adivinen qué, después de años que todavía vendrán y que todavía le hará daño y que nunca dejarán de venir, esas olas siempre van a estar en su vida después de perder a alguien, esas olas nunca van a desaparecer a causa del duelo, nunca termina, porque perder a alguien que no es algo que se puede pasar por alto. Porque perder a alguien que es algo que marcó su corazón y que nunca jamás desaparecerá, no importa lo que pase.
Ha sido tan difícil de admitir y se dan cuenta que esas olas me van a dar una en la cara cuando yo menos esperaba de ellos. A veces es una canción, a veces es la comida, a veces es el comentario de alguien, un olor, un lugar. No es como estoy triste todo el día, pero cuando vienen me llegar por sorpresa y tengo que admitir que es muy difícil.
Últimamente me he sentido en un lugar mejor. He estado agarrando desde personas amadas, la personas positivas en mi vida que el Padre Celestial me ha estado enviando, que me ayudan para disfrutar y reír y sonreír y llorar. He sido capaz de ser un poco más como yo, la Leyla bailando, la Leyla cantando, la Leyla que limpia y por supuesto la Leyla que llora y estoy muy agradecido por la alegría que he sido capaz de sentir en el medio de la tormenta
He estado dispuesto a dejarme disfrutar de la vida y divertirme cada vez que puedo. He estado abriendo mi corazón. He estado realmente tratando de vivir la vida, incluso cuando esas ondas me abofetean cada vez más y más difícil.
Hoy en día, la víspera de Navidad, todos estos recuerdos se me golpeaba como un tsunami, y estoy de acuerdo con esto, es normal sentirse que estás ahogando aunque tengas tu chaleco salvavidas puesto. Echo de menos a Andy muchísimo, él era el amor de mi vida, yo nunca ser capaz de amar a alguien como yo lo amé, nunca voy a ser capaz de pasar una Navidad sin sentir vacío o como algo que falta. Navidad era tan especial, era tan increíble siempre sorprendiéndome en Navidad, sus regalos eran siempre los mejores regalos, no porque eran caros, pero porque él puso mucho amor, tiempo y dedicación a ellos. Solía despertarse muy temprano e hizo las galletas , , hizo el Niño Jesús el desayuno para los niños, lo hicieron los platos, así que no tengo que hacer nada ese día, ayudó a los juguetes de los niños poniendo juntos, Estuvo a cargo de la música, la comida, que realmente era Navidad, y la Navidad sin Andy no es Navidad. Pero la vida sigue pasando y mis hijos son niños y el mundo sigue moviéndose y tengo que honrarlo esta Navidad y sabiendo que está bien no estar oaky
Estoy muy agradecido por el amor que he estado sintiendo últimamente, estoy increíble agradecido por los amigos y la familia y el apoyo y la comodidad que he estado sintiendo, pero más especialmente agradecidos por el conocimiento de que hay alguien que me conoce, que comprende mi dolor, que me sostiene cuando estoy tratando de vivir con él, y haya nacido para salvarme. ¡Qué maravilloso regalo que tenemos, qué bendición es saber que Jesús nació y que él realmente sabe cómo me siento cuando esas olas me están ahogando porque es cuando se extiende la mano y me dice que está bien no estar bien .
Te echo de menos a Andy, que pienso en ti todos los días, me gustaría poder abrazarte y besarte y decirte lo mucho que te necesito, pero sé que vamos a tener un montón de Navidad en el cielo. Merry primeros Crhistmas en el cielo mi Vida
