Andy has hit rock bottom. TOCANDO FONDO

I wrote this one day ago... and sorry I don´t have any more pictures to share, not a good moment for take pictures right now...

Well, the doctors were right when they told us everything that was going to happen with Andy when we were getting ready for his transplant. They told us exactly what was going to happen. It is one thing knowing it and another actually living it...

I have had my moments where I feel like I can’t do this anymore, my moments when I feel scared and want to run and run and never stop. I have had my moments where no tears come from my eyes anymore. I also had my good moments and there are more good than bad where I know that he is going to be okay, where I am strong and ready to keep fighting and where I am confident that he will be fine.

Andy honestly is not doing good right now. I have never seen him like this. Even that last time when he was very sick he was not like this. The doctors came today and said he is at his lowest point right now. Nothing in his body is working, nothing. His immune system is gone, his white cells, red cells, potassium, magnesium, his everything is gone... His heart rate has been so high. The highest has been 150 when the normal is 60 to a 100. His oxygen was so low yesterday that they have him plugged in to the vitals machine and it kept beeping last night every time he wasn’t breathing normally. My heart was so scared and I haven't gotten any sleep at all, but he made it through another night... His nausea is more under control but now his problem is that he has sores all over inside his esophagus, his stomach, and they think this is giving him an infection because he has high fevers too. He has other complications that I’d rather not address right now. He is also not eating, not drinking, not talking, not walking; he has been in the bed for the past few days. He can’t take any medicine by mouth so everything is through the IV... 

He is also getting a platelets transfusion every day and 2 red cells (just blood) transfusions every day. He is plugged in to a pain med machine where he can push this button every time he needs it because he is in so so much pain, thanks to the sores that he has all over...

I am sitting here and thinking how much I miss him, how much it hurts me to see him like this. I love him so much! I miss his laugh, I miss talking to my best friend, I miss his hugs, his look, I miss everything about him and I can’t explain how hard it is to see someone that you love in so much pain... But I know that there is someone that perfectly understands how Andy is feeling. Heavenly Father knows exactly how Andy is feeling and I know He is helping him during this time. I also feel His arms around me. I am grateful for your prayers. I know a lot of people also pray for me and I am thankful for that. Some days I wake up and pray to have the strength that I need to be able to help him, to make him feel loved...


My biggest satisfaction is when he says few words, and those words are always positive. When he tells me “Thank you, I don´t need anything and anyone else but you and my kids”, those few words keep me going. Or when he opens his eyes and sends me a kiss, or when he smiles for one second before his eyes close, or when my kids want to Skype with him every day and he does what he can to open his eyes for two seconds and waves at them...

I never thought I would appreciate all those small things like I do now. I never thought I was going to be so excited for small things like this, but I am now. Like I said in a Facebook post, I am grateful for life, I am grateful for the air, for the sun, for the peace that I feel in this hospital room. I am grateful for the few minutes that I get to spend with my kids...


All the nurses here like Andy, they keep telling me he is such a nice guy, he is so positive, and do you know why they say this? It’s because he never complains about anything. Nothing, never, no matter how many times he was throwing up blood, no matter how bad his pain is, he has never said something negative. He has never said I am done, or why me, or I can´t do this anymore. Never! On the other hand for example today, I was holding his hand and I was telling him , “Mi vida I am so sorry that you have to go through this.” He looked at me, squeezed my hand and said softly, “It’s okay. I will be okay...” Quietly started crying just to see how strong he is. He truly is my hero! He is such an example for me and for so many others, that no matter what life brings you, you never give up, no matter how dark everything looks, you never quit...


The doctors said the next 5 days are going to be even worse, I can´t imagine what can be worse than this, but they said so. After 5 more days he will slowly start to get feeling better, his immune system slowly is going to come back and they are going to help him with everything that he needs so he can make it through this...

Harder days are about to come. I just pray that I can be strong for him, I pray that his pain can be less and less, I pray that he can stay as positive as he is right now, I pray that my kids can know how much I love them and miss them..


You guys I know I always talk amazing things about Andy, but even before he had Cancer I had nothing but good things to say about him. Seriously he is such an amazing guy, I don’t have even one bad thing to say about him. He has touched so many lives in his 30 years, he has so many friends, everyone has something good to say about Andy, everywhere I go I find someone that comes to me and say, “Hey I know Andy, he is amazing!” and I feel so blessed to be his wife.


Like I said, more hard things are coming our way and it’s going to get worse before it gets any better, but he will make it, he wants to make it and he will...

We love you!
This afternoon his oxygen and heart rate seem a little better, but now we are facing a new challenge, his nose started bleeding and this is because his platelets are really low. So here we go again with another platelets transfusion. Today I can feel the spirit so strong in Andy’s room. Maybe I changed my attitude, maybe I prayed more than yesterday, or maybe my hard or scary feelings went away today, but today I feel good, I feel grateful, I feel loved... I was talking to Andy’s nurses for a long time, for like half an hour, they started asking me about how I met Andy, how we discovered that he had Cancer, and I started talking about his life, about everything that we have been through.. it has been a lot! When I was talking about it and thinking about it I realized we have gotten pretty far, we have had so many trials, so many experiences, so many problems, so many blessings, and I realized that once again, we wouldn’t have been able to do all this without our love for our Heavenly Father and His love for us. Right now I am sitting in a peaceful room, it almost feels like I am at the LDS Temple, listening to LDS hymns and looking at Andy rest peacefully and the only thing I can think and feel is how much we are loved. I can´t believe how much pain and suffering Jesus went through. I can´t imagine how He felt, I am so grateful that He died for us, I am so grateful that He knew that we were going to have this trial and that Heavenly father has never left our side... thanks again for your prayers, it sounds like I say it all the time, but if you were here sitting with me, you would be able to realize that I do feel your prayers, that Andy does feel your prayers and love and once again we couldn´t keep going without them...

Today December 2nd... Andy´s breathing got bad, they were worried and sent him for some x rays, ct scans and all kind of tests to see what is going on, the Doctor just came to tell me that he does have an infection and that his right long has fluids, they will keep him with antibiotics and breathing treatments and Andy has to work hard to fight this new challenge, he is doing his best, the next few days are going to be even harder but once again, we know he will be okay... 

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EN ESPAÑOL

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ANDY HA TOCADO FONDO

No traducire todo exactamente como lo escribi arriba y disculpente si tengo faltas ortograficas, no tengo mucho tiempo para componerlas ni para traducir...

Hemos pasado dias muy dificiles, el transplante de Andy fue hace 7 dias y como ya nos habian dicho los doctores, muchas complicaciones iban a venir despues del trasnplante..

A pesar de que se nos habia advertido y explicado todas las complicaciones que iban a venir, una cosa es saberlas y otra cosa es vivirlas, yo estaba segura que iba a ser dificil pero jamas me imagine que TAL dificil iba a ser,,,

El transplante fue bien, pero todos estos efectos secundarios que tiene no son por el transplante sino por la quimioterapia que tuvo tan fuerte, practicamente su cuerpo esta muerto lo unico que sirve es su corazon, sus celulas rojas no existen, no tiene celulas blancas, potasio bajo magnesio bajo  sodio bajo, no puede comer, no puede tomar agua, lo tienen con alimento artificial, no puede casi caminar, no puede pararse casi, no puede ni pasar un jarabe de medicina..

Hace unos dias inicio con vomito pero con sangre, eso fue muy dificil, me asusto mucho verlo y saber que realmente no estaba llendole muy bien, despues de eso le empezaron a dar transfusiones de sangre, osea de celulas rojas asi como tambien de plaquetas porque por eso los vomitos con sangre, como no se componia le siguieron poniendo mas transplantes de plaquetas ya que despues lo que inicio fue sangrado en la nariz, osea casi casi un estornudo, una tosesita, oun esfuerzo grande puede hacer que se desangre

Tambien no podia comer nada porque todo su esofago, su estomago, su pecho, todo esta leno de heridas, asi como si fueran aftas pero internas entonces esta en mucho, pero absolutamente mucho dolor

Ya que le controlaron la hemorragia con las transfusiones de plaquetas, hoy amanecio respirando muy mal, con mucha dificultad y su pecho chillandole asi que lo llevaron a hacer tomografias, rayox x, escanes y todo tipo de analisis para ver que es lo que estaba pasando ahora... me acaban de avisar que sus pulmones tienen fluidos e infeccion asi es que le seguiran con antibiotico y tratamientos para la respiracion para ahora tratar esto

Dicen que vienen dias peores, que los proximos 4 o 5 dias las cosas se pondran aun peores, la verdad yo no puedo imaginar que pueda ser peor que todo lo que le esta pasando ahora, no me quiero ni imaginar que es lo que peor significa, pero sigo con fe, sigo orando, sigo pensando que todo pasara..

No se como le vamos a hacer cuando tenga que venir para su proxima quimio y proximo transplante, realmente no me quiero ni estresar por eso ahorita, ahorita lo unico que quiero pensar es salir de esta...

Tengo mucha fe, se que Dios esta conmigo, se que me ama, se que el es el unico que comprende el dolor de Andy, nadie mas que el sabe que tanto dolor y sufrimiento Andy esta pasando y se que sera misericordioso con el y que Dios sabe y tiene un plan especifico para Andy

Lo amo mucho, me duele mucho verlo asi,me siento impotente de no poder ayudarlo mas, el es muy valiente, jamas se ha quejado, jamas ha dicho porque me pasa esto, o me duele, o ya no aguanto, al contrario... el otro dia me ganaron las lagrimas y llore sin querer frente de el, pense que estaba dormido y me vio y me dice... ayy mi vida ya deja de llorar por favor acuerdate que voy a estar bien,... y su energia positiva y sus ganas de vivir y el amor que tiene por sus hijos lo van a sacar a adelante...