Andy's Surgery

I am sorry I know I said I was going to post more details about Andy's surgery and I haven't done It yet...

Life has been so busy and crazy, I have been working really hard on my photography. So between pictures and editing, the kids and getting things ready for surgery, I haven't had any extra time to write or just to take a little break...

We are enjoying every single minute of the days before surgery. We have spent so much time together as a family and I love every single minute of it. Andy has been playing so much with the kids, they are laughing, dancing, singing or playing sports all day long. We are going to miss him so much but we know that pretty soon he will be back to normal.

His surgery will be this Wednesday at 7.30 am. We have to be there at 5.30 am, so it will be a long day. The surgery is a really complicated surgery, I didn't give any more details on Facebook because is kind of long to explain. Also because maybe I wasn't ready to talk about what my husband is going to have to suffer. But, he wants me to explain it, so he doesn't have to be explaining it, since a lot of people are worried for him and he has been getting tons of texts and phone calls wondering about the surgery. The surgery will be an open heart surgery. The steps to this surgery are very similar to a heart surgery. When Andy had chemotherapy, the tumor shrank a lot, but unfortunately when it did, it stayed next to his heart. So when they remove his tumor, the doctor was talking about the possibility of having to cut a little piece of his heart, maybe leave it open or maybe just put a patch on his heart. Another thing that will probably happen, and I say probably because the doctor said that she can't confirm anything until she sees how things are during the surgery, is that we have two nerves on each side of our lungs, the nerves are the ones that are in charge of getting air into your lungs and getting the air out. Well, Andy's tumor is against that nerve, kind of covering this nerve. So they are probably going to remove it. This will make it that Andy won't be able to breathe as normal as he was used to because his lungs will be working with just one nerve. Something else that they are going to do is, yes it was true that they found another two tumors on the other side, on Andy's right lung, they are not that big but the surgeon wants to remove them before they become a problem. So they are also going to cut part of his lungs and kind of staple them. In order to do this surgery they need to cut Andy's chest bones and ribs, it is a pretty big incision, they will put his bones together with some surgical wire. He will have to stay 3 days in the hospital if everything goes good, and then he will be in recovery for 6 to 8 weeks. After those 6 to 8 weeks, he needs to go back (probably) so they can remove the wires that they used to keep the bones together.. After all of this, he will have to do another PET scan so they can see how his tumor markers are, we hope that they go back to normal but if they don't., he will need to have radiation.

To be honest the day that we found out how things were going to be, I tried to be okay all day long, and that night I lost it, I was so afraid. I was scared, I was so sad knowing that after everything Andy has to do something else. Seeing him during chemo was horrible and in my eyes, I felt like that was enough. But things got better and after several times praying I finally went back to my first answer that I got, Andy is going to be okay. No one told me how long or what it was going to take in order for him to be okay, but someone told me that he was going to be okay and I need to keep reminding myself that it is going to be this way. This Friday we went to the Temple. We both felt the need to go to this amazing place and get a little closer to our Heavenly Father. Since the minute that we got there, I felt so much peace. I felt like I didn't have to pretend anymore to anyone how I really felt, I felt like I was finally able to just show how weak and tired I feel about this situation. After we were done and we got into the Celestial room, I started crying not as usual, I started crying like a little kid, I remember I saw once a little boy got lost at a shopping center I remember his face, his tears, he was so scared, he felt lost. Well, I was crying the exactly same way that that little boy. I felt like I didn't have to pretend to be the strong woman that I have been trying to be for the past 6 months. I finally gave myself the opportunity to open my heart and get all my feelings out, I remember that I took a minute to explain to Andy what was happening. I told him, "it feels like I can even hear Heavenly Father telling me, Leyla it's okay. You can cry, it's okay to be scared, it's okay to be sad. Don't worry I am here to hug you, I am here to wipe your tears. You can be honest with me because I already know how you feel. It's okay not to be strong, as long as you know that what I promised you is the truth. Being afraid, it's okay"..... I felt so so much better after we left the Temple.

And to be honest, I am still afraid, I am still nervous. I mean, an open heart surgery? it is a lot to take in, but every time that I find myself with all these questions, I look at Andy and I see what an amazing man he is. He always has a smile on his face, even with everything that is happening to him. He is so positive about this situation, he always has the right words for me. He is so loving and such a good dad and I keep telling myself, this place needs someone like him. We still have so much to learn together, we still need to go to Hawaii one day, we still need to go back to Mexico. We still need to go on all those trips that we had planned. We still need to raise our kids and show them how much we love them. We still have to get old like we always talk about. We used to tell each other that we are going to be one of those 99 year old couples holding hands and kissing and having fun and making jokes together, and I believe and I know that it will be this way.

I know that everyone is praying for him, for me, for my kids, and I am so grateful for that. But, please please keep him in your prayers especially this week. I know that Heavenly Father is listening to every single one of your prayers and I know that He will keep showing us how much He loves us. We love you all we are so blessed to have you in our lives. This journey is not over but every day we feel we are closer to the end...

Video of the last week of Chemotheraphy

(VIDEO at the end)

This past week has been one emotional week. We had so many experiences and we felt so much love from everyone, I can seriously say that I can almost touch the love that everyone is giving us, so many prayers, and so much love that we can’t even explain it…

This last week was Andy’s last week of chemotherapy, even though we know this doesn’t mean he is CANCER FREE this was such a Victory… the Doctor talked to us and he explained to us that the regimen that Andy was on is one of the most aggressive and strongest ones that they have out there; I mean 5 days a week 8 hours a day every three weeks for four cycles? I am so proud of Andy. He really was in so much pain, so much nausea, tired, horrible pain after his shot and such an emotional experience that I feel so lucky to have him as my husband. He truly is an example for me, such a  fighter…

In this almost four months since we went to the cancer center, we have met so many people and we were the first ones of of arriving there and the last ones to leave and in all of those days we never, ever saw - not even one person - doing the same regimen that he was doing…

Having an eleven cm tumor and two 4cm tumors in the lymph nodes is a pretty scary thing but today we got to go to the Cancer center and they gave us the wonderful news that Andy’s tumor markers levels are way down, he started at 8000 when the normal is 0 to 8, last time they checked he was at 900 and today he is at 32!! Still higher than where they want him to be, but his body is responding so good that we are just enjoying this moment. They are going to test him once a week because the Doctor said that even that he is done with the treatments the levels will continue to go down because all of the chemo that is still in his body.  It will still take some time for him to feel back to normal. After this they are going to check him once a week and see how the tumor markers are doing and then after that he will have another PET scan to see if the tumor is smaller than 3cm and also to see if there are not active cells of cancer…

Whatever the future holds whatever is next, we are so excited this experience has been one of the most amazing things that has ever happened to us.  I  feel so lucky and so blessed for the opportunity that I had to live this and to become a better person… I still remember on the last day of the year 2013 I was complaining and saying that I was not ready and that I couldn’t wait until the end of March and now I am here and I can tell you how lucky I am.  I have became closer to my husband.  He truly is an amazing man and he is my best friend.  we have had the chance to spent to much time together.  We have talked more than we ever talked before, we laughed and cried together, we had the chance to have tons of dates at the cancer center J  We got the opportunity to feel the Spirit on a daily basis.  We have felt and feel so close to our Heavenly Father that I swear I would do it all over again…

I learned so many things in the past few months.  I had the chance to get closer to my extended family and I learned that to love someone doesn’t mean you have to agree with everything that they do or say.  You just love someone for who they are. I also gave myself the opportunity to forgive and to ask of forgiveness, I am still not perfect but I do see myself both before Andy’s Cancer and after. I learned to appreciate my family more than ever before, the love of my sister, my dad, my mom and my brother.  They never left me not even for a minute- always there.  Everything was good, if I had a complaint, it would be all of those new wrinkles that I have around my eyes now.  LOL

I have recorded what I could get of his last week of chemo and I am so glad that I did. I put this small video together and I went back today and watched it.  I hope my kids, one day, can go back and see how much their daddy loves them - enough to fight against this Cancer thing, enough to always have a smile for them…   When I was watching this video I kept laughing because if you don’t know Andy, you are going to say, "man, he is grumpy he is always mad."  But Andy is such a sarcastic person, every single comment that he made, made me laugh because I know he says it in a sarcastic way and I love it…

Today is my birthday, I am 31, my little boy was asking me what I wanted for my birthday and I said that all I want was to spend the day with you, your sister and daddy.  That’s truly all I want.. and it has been amazing.  I woke up and Skyped with my mom and sister while my kids and Andy sang happy birthday in Spanish to me ( las mananitas).  And even though Andy was so tired and feels so sick, he woke up at 6am to make breakfast for me.  He wrote me a note that  I will treasure forever, as I told him this has been the best birthday of my life… I am a lucky woman!

I love my husband and I hope that when you see this video you can feel and see how much this guy suffered.  He fell a few times and he always got up, and the most important thing he never gave    up and he never will.

Here is the link in case you can't open it from here

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z6Y9OXschX0

Bake sale and boutique Fundraiser for Andy Moss. Saturday March 29th

We are so excited and relieved that Andy’s chemo treatments are finished… at least for the next 6 weeks until the doctors decide what the next step for him is. We have been so blessed by amazing family and friend support, as well as support from kind and loving strangers. We feel of your love and prayers and want to thank you for everything you are doing to help us.

We know many of you have supported events in the past for us and we wanted to let you know of another amazing event that will help us meet the demands of our medical bills and life expenses. 

 On Saturday, March 29 from 9-12 at 650 S Cooper Rd there will be a bake sale and boutique. Homemade food will be on sale as well as smoked pulled pork that must be pre-ordered by Mar 26 (2 lbs for $18). 
  If you are able to donate any baked goods or homemade crafts, please contact Liz @ 480-202-0643. If you are able to come and support us on March 29th, we would be so grateful.

Sunday before chemo...

Here I am. A day like today 3 months ago, my life was completely normal. I remember exactly what I was doing 3 months ago. My routine was working at the elementary school in the morning, going to the gym, doing photography and being a stay home mom, and in one second my life totally changed. 100 %. I am not sad or mad about this, I am actually happy with the 3 last months. Everything has been so fast, I don’t even know when the time went. For me, this has been just few days, not that I am used to our situation but it doesn't seem like that tragedy 3 months ago.

 But even though this has been fast, I feel like I am barely making it. I promise I am not complaining but at this point of my life I just feel like my body and my mind are about to be done... It has been such a rollercoaster of emotions. As some of you know, Andy was supposed to start chemotherapy, what we hope will be his last round. Last Monday, we got to the cancer center and the nurse told him that he couldn't start because his red cell count (hemoglobin) was too low, so he needed to get a blood transfusion.

 I was so scared about that, I just couldn't process the idea of having someone else blood in his body, I have heard about horrible stories and I was freaking out, but we didn't have any other option, so he did it. He was hooked up for 5 hours getting blood and after that we came home. They did another blood test and the day after (Wednesday) he was able to start chemo again. He told me, “I can't believe I am excited to start chemo!” and I was so excited too. Four exhausting rounds of chemo are about to be over, we hope. He started chemo and it was so awesome to go back to the cancer center. He has made so many friends there and the love that we feel there is so amazing. Nurses know him, the office people know him, the social workers, the patients, etc. You will always see someone there that became Andy's friend or mine So because of him starting late he won’t be done until next Tuesday. This weekend has been a hard one, not as bad as the other ones but Andy is so tired.

He has nausea and he was getting dehydrated so they sent a home care nurse to teach me how to put all the meds in his PIC line. My mom is a doctor in Mexico and I remember her on daily basis trying to make me help her or get involved in that field. I never liked it. I always passed out but here I am being a nurse for him and its actually not that bad. I actually like it now and I am getting used to flushing his PIC line and all those things that they are having me do for him. I also have to recognized two important and amazing people in my life.

This chemo week is always hard, especially for my kids. I am leaving them all of the time, they can't be loud and crazy and they miss their daddy so much. But seriously my sister and my dad( he came to help again from Mexico) have been helping me a lot. I see how my kids see my sister as their mom and it makes me feel so safe and so happy to know that even if I am not there, they are feeling love from someone. I love you Jona!

And my dad, what can I say? He is an amazing man. I am so grateful for everything that he is doing of me and my family. I see him taking my kids to the park every day, feeding them, playing with them and they love him so much. One of my favorite things is to come home after chemo and see Mia’s hair and he asks me, “Did I do good today with her hair?” And I say, “Yes she looks so cute!” But the truth is that Mia’s pig tails are one up and one down and the line behind her hair is totally a mess but the fact that he tries to do her hair just melts my heart. Today I couldn't go to church because the home care nurse came to make sure I knew what I was doing with Andy's hydration bag and PIC line

But even when I couldn't go, I had such a spiritual Sunday. As some of you know some friends of our family, the Laparra's, had a horrible accident. Laura was walking to serve at the Gilbert Temple and a car ran over her. She was in ICU for weeks and she was so so sick. Her husband, Gilberto, is one of Andy's friends and he came to visit him today.

We haven't seen Gilberto since before the accident and having him here was so emotional. I wish I had record it everything that he said to us because his testimony really touched m.. Talking with him, he said that he knew that Heavenly Father has a plan for Laura and for Andy. He said that he was so afraid and the test of his faith was hard, he wanted to get a confirmation on his own. He wanted to know that Laura was going to be okay but it took him days to really feel and get his answer that she was going to be okay. He said, “Andy, I never heard a voice. The Spirit never came and spoke to me. I never felt someone or something like that, but I felt my answer with all of the prayers. I felt Heavenly Father's love and answers with the love of people, with the help, with the texts, calls and all of the love that we felt from everyone, and yes I was afraid and yes I didn't believe that she was going to be okay but after I felt all that love, I knew. I got my answer and my confirmation that she was going to be okay. Heavenly Father truly knows what and why everything is happening to you and to Laura and He loves you. He loves your wife, He knows what she is going thru and He will never leave you. Make sure you guys write down everything that is happening to you guys so one day your kids, when they grow up and they have their own trials, can know and see how their parents went through this trial, how their parents were strong and had a testimony of Heavenly Father. Write everything down because this is the only way they will know how much you guys love each other. This experience is the most amazing thing that had happened to us because it got me closer to my wife, the love that we have for each other went to another level, the love that we have is stronger than anything and I know that you and Leyla feel the same way.”

My kids were in the same room, they were screaming and laughing and playing and even though they were so loud, I can tell you how much peace I felt in my heart. The Spirit was so strong in our house and I feel so blessed for the friends that we have. After that, I put my kids to bed and I went to visit Laura Laparra. As you know, I cry a lot. I am a very emotional person and when I saw Laura, I cried, not because I was sad but because I was so, so happy to see her. I couldn't believe it. I gave her a big hug and told her how excited I was to see that miracle, because that is what she is, a true miracle.

And after that I went and visited another friend Erika who was in the hospital very sick too, and she told me one thing that touched my heart, she said, “Andy's situation touched so many hearts, especially ours. Me and my husband were so touched for everything that is happening to him and I know that his situation is moving so many other hearts.” I came home and got everything ready for tomorrow; breakfast for Andy, his lunch, his medication, his clothes and everything that we need to go to the Cancer Center tomorrow. I was feeling so tired this morning, a little confused, a little done with everything but once again Heavenly Father sent me what I needed to hear and here I am, ready to keep fighting, ready to finish strong. I have been singing this song all day.

My sister, Jona, used to sing this song to me in times of trials, and every time I hear it, I think about her but today, I have been singing it and thinking about how much Heavenly Father loves me, loves Andy and He is telling me the same thing as this song. “Remember that I am here, remember that I am here for you, no matter what I will fight with you. If you are happy or sad, if you are afraid, remember that I am here for you.” It is in Spanish so I am sorry but if you speak Spanish you can cry with me LOL Thank you everyone for your prayers and your help and support.

Who Is Andy Moss.. life after December 16th 2013

I was going to wait to publish this video until Andy's birthday, it's not really a video, it is just a slide show with some pictures that I have from when we found out about Andy's cancer until the day of today... (you can see it at the end )
I can't believe it has been more than two months since we got the news. But I go back and I can describe myself like... Leyla before Andy cancer and Leyla after Andy's Cancer.
The first big sign of this is my new wrinkles, and the way I aged in the last two months. Haha! No, just kidding, well not kidding But u have to learn so much with this experience, and it is not over yet! But today I don't want to talk about me.. I want to talk about Andy Moss. And, who he is.
Andy Moss is a wonderful man, he really is, he is always thinking about others.
I remember after we got married we used to go back o Mexico twice a year. The first time we went back, he insisted that he needed to change some Mexican pesos, he didn't want to say why, but every time we were walking in the streets of Mexico, every time a homeless asked him for money, he had a little plastic bag ready with cash to give to the poor.
Andy did his mission in Veracruz Mexico. They say he was such a good missionary. He helped a lot of people to get baptized, he was a mission leader and everybody in Mexico loved him.
That's another quality about him, he makes people love him, everywhere he goes he makes friends. Everywhere he goes he makes people love him, even little kids.
We used to have a primary calling in our church. We actually were in the primary for 6 or 7 years, and in every single class that we had, he always had kids following him around. Really the kids never cared about me because all of the attention was always with Brother Moss..
Andy is a fighter. He always sets the goal in his head to be the best at everything that he does, no matter if it's sports (he plays baseball and soccer), he has to be the best. Same thing at work. Just an example is this last job that he got. A few weeks after he started, he was already one of the best .
He is so much fun. Omgsh, this is probably one of my favorite things about him. His sarcasm and jokes are the best. He can be so serious and then he says the funniest thing that can make you laugh non stop. I also used to find him sometimes doing backflips in the middle of the family room or going crazy on the trampoline with the kids!
Speaking about the kids, he is such an amazing dad, a really amazing dad! He loves his kids more than anything. Before this Cancer, he used to come home and took over with the kids. He helped me with them, getting them ready for bed, reading them books, always wrestling with David, always teaching him how to play sports, letting Mia paint his nails, singing songs with her, playing with her babies, coloring with them, jumping on the trampoline with them. Really, all of his afternoons were for my kids. No matter how good or bad his days were at work, he always had time and energy and always wanted to be with the kids.
He is one of the most romantic persons that I know. I remember we used to write notes to each other every single day for two years. He always made arrangements for our anniversaries and my birthday. He brought me a serenade, and flowers. He made surprise dinners for me. I remember one day, on Valentine's, he had dinner ready for me on his parents balcony with lights, flowers and he played a song for me in his guitar... he is so sweet and so loving.
He spoils me so much. He lets me be crazy and do my crazy stuff and he supports me with everything. Since I was around 5 years old I started being fan of this Latin singer, Gloria Trevi, omgsh I was crazy about her. One day, she came to Arizona, and I was pregnant with David. She was going to sign CDs, and I told Andy I needed to be the first one in line. He took me and he stood with me for 6 hours waiting for Gloria Trevi. Haha! When Gloria Trevi came, I started crying! Haha (weird)! He was so embarrassed! LOL! But he didn't say anything, he took a picture and he gave me a hug while I cried and cried. Haha! He always does anything to see me happy...
He is so spiritual. He is the kind of person that won't take a decision in his life before praying. Any small or big decision has to have a prayer before. I remember when we just got married I was new in the church and I wasn't used to praying as much as he does, and I always wanted to make crazy decisions fast and usually right at the moment. He always used to tell me, let's pray about it. At that point, it drove me crazy, but I learned the reason why, and now I am so grateful for his knowledge and obedience to listen to the spirit for every single step of his and our lives.
He is such an honest person, sometimes this drives me crazy too. Not that I am not honest, but man his honesty is perfect. It is amazing. From telling the cashier that she gave us more change than she was suppose to to give, to paying an honest tithe.
Heavenly Father is the most important thing in Andy's life and I admire this. His testimony about the Lord and his testimony about the church are something that I can't even explain with words... Probably some of you know that my dad has been pretty inactive in the church. He went back to the Catholic church and we all were okay with it. We thought he was never going to go back to the Lds church, and even that my heart hurt so much about this, I promised myself that I was going to love my dad no matter what, and I was not going to try to push him for any reason to go back to the church. I knew Heavenly Father was going to find the way to make this happen. But me and Andy prayed for months and months to have my family back, to see them enjoy life. 
When we found about Andy's cancer, my parents came to Arizona. They live in Mexico. They came to spend some time with us. I remember one night my mom stayed at my sister's house and my dad decided that he wanted to stay at our house. It was late at night when Andy, my dad, and I were sitting at the dinner table and my dad started talking about the church. He said, "Andy, I believe everything that you say and I want you to tell me why should I stop going to the catholic church. Tell me one thing that is going to make me go back and I will believe you." Andy said, "Juan, it is hard for me to give you one reason that it will make you go back to the church, but all that I can tell you is that I have a big testimony that the church is true. Juan, I know that Heavenly Father is watching over you, over your family, I know that he wants you to go back, but he is waiting for you to pray about it. You need to find your own answer, you need to pray about it. I can tell you that I know that we have a true prophet. I have a testimony that the prophet is here to guide us, to tell us how much our Father in Heaven loves you. And Juan, I know that the spirit will come back to you, to your life, you just need to pray about it. But I can tell you that I have a testimony that the church of Jesus Christ of Later Day Saints is true." I was crying, I couldn't stop crying like a little kid. The spirit in that room was so strong that I could almost see it. My dad's face changed and a tear was coming from him. Oh how much I love my Andy and his big testimony, and his amazing spirit! After that day, my dad hasn't gone back to the catholic church, and he used to go to a mass every single day. Well he went back to the church, and he hasn't missed a meeting and I can already see the change in him.
Andy has been amazing for me, for my family, his faith is keeping me strong, his faith is bigger than anything, his faith is so strong that I reach out to it every time that I am about to fall...
When he found out that he had a big tumor, he went to the doctor by himself because we never imagined that this was going to happen. He called me on the phone, I was driving from work on my way to pick my daughter up at my sister's house. He said, "the doctors found something but I need you to get to Jona's (my sisters) house and I will call you when you are there." I knew something was wrong right then. He never makes me wait like this. I got to Jona's house and I was already having a panic attack. Finally, he called. I went to another room where my daughter couldn't hear me and he told me, that they found an 11 CM tumor and they wanted him to see a surgeon. He said, "hey, don't worry about it. I have this strong feeling that everything is going to be okay. I have to hang up because I am here still at the doctor's but please, don't cry. I feel that everything is going to be okay."
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. They just told him he has a huge tumor but he is okay? He is not panicking? He feels everything is going to be okay? I hung up and I went to my sister's front yard and I called my mom in Mexico. I was yelling and asking why. I was screaming on the phone. Than, I threw up right there, literally my knees dropped to the floor, and I was screaming and crying at the same time as my mom was. I don't wish this feeling to anyone. I felt that the world was ending right there. It was such a horrible sad feeling that just to remember it makes me cry. I tried to control myself and I went back home to meet Andy. He didn't go back to work, he came back to see me. We put Mia down for a nap and I started crying even more. He was so calm. He said, "let's pray about it.", We prayed, we hugged each other for probably more than an hour. He was so calm and I know everything was because he always gets his answers by praying and he really knew more than me... that everything was going to be okay...
Of course he has had his moments of doubt. Of course he is afraid sometimes. He is human. But, he amazes me with his strength. He amazes me with his faith, with his courage to fight against this monster.
I love him so much, he really is such a good person. He's an amazing dad and a loving husband...
PS If I have to say one bad thing about Andy, that would be that he NEVER answers his phone! Haha! Love you, Andy!

Faith

WOW.. It has been a while since I wrote here... too many things going on but honestly I have been avoiding writing and opening up here..

Some people wonder why am I writing here and sharing all this when you can just keep all these emotions and feelings for yourself? Well, I just want people to know about Andy, about our family, and I am hoping that this experience can touch and even help someone going through a similar situation like ours...

I am not going to lie, I didn't want to write for a while.  I had such a bad past two weeks that I have been avoiding it.  But today I felt like it was the right time.

Andy finished his round two of chemo two weeks ago, and it didn't go that good.  After he finished he was so sick, more tired than before, and he started having bad stomach pain.  It got so bad that he wasn't able to eat or not even drink anything.  We had to go see the oncologist and he said he probably had an ulcer.  That was on a Friday so we needed to wait until Monday.  Something happened that weekend, we don't know what, but on Monday, like a miracle, Andy woke up okay.  There was no pain, no burning, nothing.  He started to eat again.  He had lost 12 lbs that week so you can imagine how bad our week was...

Not only the medical situation was bad, but personally I had such a bad week.  It is hard to accept when your mental and spiritual situation is bad, but man, it was so bad.  It got to the point that Saturday, this past Saturday, I couldn't even look at Andy or my kids without crying.  Andy kept asking me what he could do, how he could help.. but nothing helped.  Nothing seem to work.  I was so sad, so scared.  Horrible things crossed my mind.  I started thinking what if he doesn't get better? What if he dies? I have never ever had that thought in my mind since we knew about his tumor.  Not even once had it crossed my mind.  I never thought about the possibility of losing him, but Saturday it happened.  I was so afraid, I cried and cried.  I remember I went to take pictures that day and when I finished with my pictures I sat at that park by myself and just started crying and crying.  I lost it.  I started questioning Heavenly Father.  I started losing my faith for a day. It was so bad.  It was so scary.  It was just horrible.  I started thinking that he can't leave me.  Andy promised me he was going to be okay.  I started thinking my kids need him.  What are they going to do if something bad happens?  I wouldn't be able to survive without him he truly means everything to me.  What a horrible day.  What a sad and scary thing it is when you lose your faith.  There can't be anything worse than that. That night I couldn't sleep, not even for one hour.

That same night, I was told that one of Andy's friend's and his wife were in a terrible accident.  The Laparra family was injured, and Laura was (still is) in a terrible condition.  I couldn't believe it.  I kept thinking why do bad things happen to good people?  Why is this happening to us?  I relate so much to Gilberto's pain (Laura's husband) I know what he is going through.  I know what he is feeling.  The feeling of maybe losing the person that you love the most is not a feeling that can compare with anything else... that night I started praying again.  Praying for them.  Praying to be able to find some peace in my heart and get back that faith that kept me strong for almost two months now...

Nothing seemed to work that day, Sunday I spent it almost the same way.  I was sad and just not being myself.  Until, Sunday night when I got a text from one of my best dear friends, Emily Sanchez.  She asked me if she could stop by and see me.  She came over to my house.  We talked probably 2 or 3 hours, I don't even remember, she just came and listened to me, she let me talk and talk and I told her how I was feeling...

It amazes me the way Heavenly Father puts the right people in your way when you need them the most.  I don't think it's a coincidence that Emily and I became friends.  I am truly convinced that Heavenly Father knew that I was going to need someone like her in my life.  Talking to her was so good for me.  I cried and cried and listened to every single word that she said.  I can tell you that it wasn't her that was talking, I can tell you that the spirit used her to tell me things that I needed to hear..

She said, "Leyla, you can't do this by yourself.  There is someone that knows what is going on, and yes it is going to get worse.  Yes, more things will happen.  But, guess what, he knows you can do this.  You are a brave woman.  You always do what you want to do.  You always reach any goals that you want to reach. You can do this.  You need to be positive.  Really, everything that is going on, nothing, nothing is going to change.  Everything is going to be the same, but the only thing that you can change is your mind.  Thinking positive and have a good attitude is the ONLY thing that you can do at this point.  You need to find something to tell to your self every morning when you see Andy.  Say to yourself, 'yes, my husband is really sick, yes he has cancer but I can do this, I am brave, I will do this'.  And you will, Leyla".

After she left I went to bed with such a strong positive spirit.  I woke up the day after and it was the day when Andy felt better.  I woke up happy, singing like I always used to do before I showered (yes I didn't shower for 2 days, I was really sad) I got my make up on and it was just a good day.  Andy, me, and Mia (because David was at school) went out for lunch, and Andy and I kept laughing about everything.  That night we went back to what we used to do before this Cancer thing, watching shows together, we were laughing and just enjoying being together.

It is so sad and even embarrassing to admit that I fell, that I had lost my strong spirit for a weekend.  It is so sad to see how Satan can jump into your life in one second when you don't even notice it, but at the same time it is so amazing to know and see that Heavenly Father is watching you and he is aware of everything that is happening with you.  He found the way to talk to me and reminded me how much he loves me..

As you can see this blog is mostly to share my spiritual experiences.  Maybe this can be annoying for some people but I love the idea that one day my kids will be able to open this website and read how much their parents love them and what we had to go through.


On Friday as some of you know we got great news. Chemo is working and the tumor is getting smaller and the other two are gone. Best news ever! We needed this so bad, we were getting kind of desperate. It was so nice to hear that all of our efforts and everything has been worth it. The best part of everything was Andy's face, when the doctor came in to the room he said “well Andre everything is looking great your levels are down to 900”!! Andy's face changed, he started smiling and making jokes. The doctor showed us the PET scan from December and the one from two days ago and what a difference!! On the first one you were able to see his lung squeezing and pushed on the side and the tumor was huge and the other two by the lymph nodes were pretty big too and then on the new PET scan those were totally gone clear and perfect and the big one was smaller and not pushing the lungs anymore. It was such an awesome feeling, such a great experience! We still have a lot to do and 7cm is still pretty big but we are just so happy that it is working. This news pretty much got us ready and excited to start chemo again next Monday!

Today some of our friends that we met from David's baseball team when Andy was a coach had another garage sale for us! We stopped by and it was amazing, a lot of people were there. At the end of the day one of the girls came over to our house and she told me that she has been thinking of me all week, she said, “The Lord gives you the right people at the right time”, and she is so right. We feel so blessed and loved to have such amazing people in our lives. Please keep my Andy in your prayers. I know this is a long process but we still need all of your prayers.

Please keep my Andy in your prayers.  I know this is a long process but we still need all of your prayers.

:)

Being at the Cancer Center

I met a lady here at the cancer center.. She started talking to me and we were chatting for a long time...

She was diagnosed with cancer 10 years ago. She started with a tumor in her neck, then cancer moved to her ribs, and then to her hips, after that to her lungs, and now is everywhere. She has the same doctor that Andy has, but her case is a little worse than any others.
She had an appointment few weeks ago and the Dr told her that her cancer has no cure, pretty much the doctor told her that she is going to die. I was shocked when she was telling me all this. She wasn't crying, she wasn't sad or nothing, she was just telling me with such a happy calm voice and a peaceful look. I asked her, "so how are you doing with this news? What do you think? What are you going to do?" And she said, "My love I am going to live every single day that god is giving me. I am not going to waste these beautiful days crying or asking why this is a happening to me. I am going to exercise and have fun with my husband and my kids. I am going to enjoy the air, the flowers, the good. I don't know when I will leave this earth but I will leave it happy and peaceful knowing that I lived every single second with happiness."
Wow! I was speechless. I didn't know what to say or anything. She gave me a hug and said... "This thing that you are doing with your husband, coming here with him every day, bringing him food, talking to him, covering with blankets and all this, this means a lot to him but I want you to know that it means even more for God."
What an amazing opportunity to meet people that know that they are going to leave soon and have so much knowledge to share. She was telling me all about nutrition and food; she is vegan. She became vegan and she swears that this is why she is here still... I know it sounds crazy but I am considering becoming a vegetarian, just like my mom and dad.

I was a vegetarian for imposition for about 18 years of my life. My parents made me and my brother and sister eat vegetarian food for all those years, I hated it. And as soon as I moved out to go to college, I started eating a lot of junk food.

Now that I have kids, I started eating better, but never vegetarian. Well, maybe this is the moment to go back to that. Probably not right now because I do not have time to cook or anything, but I am really considering to make a big change in my eating habits for me and my kids, now I understand why my parents did that to us.
I also met another lady here, her breast cancer is stage 4, it is everywhere, too, but she has not supported at all. She lost her job, her boyfriend left her, her family is ignoring her. She has a 13 year old and a 5 year old. She was crying telling me how hard life is for her. She said she is under depression, she doesn't want to eat. Her house is a mess. She is going to have to move out because she has no money. No one is helping her. I just can't imagine that. She says she drives her self to chemotherapy, and then she has to go pick her daughter up from school. I asked her how she does it. Seriously, cancer patients after chemo, are so tired. They have so much drugs in their system. There is no way driving can be safe. She said she has no choice, she has no help. She just wants to die. Once again, wow how bless Andy and me are to have all this help, all this love, all this people that care about us, family, friends, community, church, everyone, I just can't imagine us going through a situation like this with no support .
I told this lady, "Listen, I know and understand what you are going through, we are living in a situation similar to yours, but you need to do just one thing, find the way to find your Heavenly Father. Find the way to get closer to God, and I promise you, he will give you what you need. I promise you, he won't leave you like everyone else is."
We are almost half way with round two. This time has been harder than the last time. Andy is feeling worse than week one, but we are half way there. Two more rounds and we can start making a plan for whatever is next.

I never imagined to be in a situation like this, but if you know someone that is living this, has cancer or someone in their family does, please find the way to get closer to them, to show them love, to just tell them I am here if you want to cry. I see it here every day, people don't take this si ratio as good as Andy is taking it, people go crazy and most of them can't think positive and I am sure a little extra touch of love will mean the world to them.

Sometimes I think I should stop talking to other patients, because I want to help them, and I feel to involved and it hurts me to see them feeling this way. But, at the same time I love this opportunity to grow, to hear and learn that the problems that I used to have or think that I had were pointless and not important at all. The important thing on earth, and the only thing is to remember, is why we are here, the purpose of life, and us being here on earth, and just be grateful for the chance to be here.
 I love this guy I enjoy every second that I get to spend with him and I can't wait until tomorrow... last day of round 2!!!!!!!!!