Losing Your Kid

Losing your kid...
This was written yesterday...
Have you ever woken up in the middle of the night stressed out and thinking about waking up and not finding your kid in their room?? I have never had that fear, I always know my kids are safe in our house. But I remember now a conversation that I had once with one of my friends a long time ago and she was telling me one of her biggest fears is waking up and not finding her kid in their room... Well, now I know what she means because it happened to me yesterday!! I woke up at 1 am to go to the bathroom and to check on Andy because I knew he wasn't feeling good all night, and it was then when I saw that David's room was open and his lights were on. This wasn't a weird thing he sleep walks and sometimes we find him in the living room or in the bathroom just standing there.. So I said I am sure he is on the couch. I went to the living room and he wasn't there! I looked at the bathroom and he wasn't there! I went to the kitchen, to the front room, to our bathroom, to the closet, to his closet and he wasn't anywhere!! It was then when I started panicking and I went to get Andy. I was screaming "Andy! David is not in his room, I have been looking for him for the past 10 minutes and he isn't anywhere!" Andy woke up and started running. Yeah, my husband, who is doing chemotherapy, was running all over the place looking for him. I woke my dad up too, and my dad went to the backyard to look for David. Andy woke Mia up to look in her room and nothing, David was nowhere.
I can tell you it was the scariest moment in my life, losing my kid, even for few minutes was the worse thing ever. I started screaming his name, "David!! David!!" Finally, I heard a crying soft voice, saying, "Mom, I am here!" He was hiding next to our bed, on Andy's side, under some laundry and some pillows. He was crying, so I hugged him and I said, "David, what happened? Why are you here? Why were you not answering? We were so worried about you, buddy." He said, "Mom, I was scared. I was afraid that you guys are going to leave to the hospital without saying goodbye to me. I just wanted to make sure I heard when you were leaving." It totally broke my heart. My little boy is having a hard time with this cancer situation. He doesn't say anything but he is suffering from all of this. I love him so much I wish I could take this pain away from him. After I almost had a heart attack, Andy and I were not able to go back to sleep. I am glad it was just that and nothing else. We are doing pretty good today. We got really good answers today. Like I said on FB, prayers are being answered. We just got the results to see how the levels of Andy's cancer are. The normal is 0 to 8.3. Andy's first time we came were 8345. After he first chemo the levels got lower!!!! He is in 6495 we have 6490 to go but we will get there we are so happy. It is amazing how the medicine works, but it is even more awesome to see how Heavenly Father works. Before the Dr. came into the room, Andy and I said a prayer. I am so glad that we have Heavenly Father, I am so glad that we go back to him for everything. To be honest we were not like this before. We were not used to praying all day. We always believed in our Heavenly Father but we were not that close to him, and this experience is bringing us close to him again. It's been such a big blessing to know that he is aware of everything . Like I was saying, before we saw the doctor, Andy and I prayed and we asked Heavenly Father that he would please help us understand the results. Please help us take the answers okay, to accept whatever the doctor has to tell us, help us to understand your plan and to be okay with any answer. The doctor came in and said that he hopes and that his prognosis is that cancer will be almost gone by the end of the chemotherapy (all the the cycles ). He said that he is even doubting that he will need surgery, but we still have to wait to see how small the tumor is already. He said what? I was so excited, so happy, it's amazing that when you pray not asking for what you want, but asking to accept his plan, things are just easier.

I know this will be a long road still, but I am so glad to have Heavenly Father with us in every step of the way. It hasn't been easy, I am tired, I haven't slept good or eaten good. I am always on the go, getting ready to leave early and leave everything ready for the kids. It hasn't been easy and I know it hasn't been easy for Andy either, but together we are doing this and with everyone else's help.

Last night was another rough, very rough night. Andy and I got to the conclusion that this was the worst night since we started chemotherapy. He couldn't sleep. He got pretty severe hiccups and that made him very nauseated. He didn't sleep at all, nothing, not even five minutes. It hurt me to see him that way. I felt helpless there was nothing I was able to do and I hate that. I usually am the kind of person that has everything "under control" and I couldn't do anything. That part of me is gone because since Andy started, there is nothing I can do to control this situation but just pray.
Last night was also a physically bad night, but it was an amazingly spiritual night . Two of Andy's friends, Adam Mcneil and Gilberto Laparra, came to give Andy another recliner. My Andy has been sleeping in a recliner every day because he feels really nauseated if he lays down, so they came and dropped it off. Before they left, we asked them if they could give Andy a blessing. What a blessing we have as a members of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, that every time we need to hear our Heavenly Father we can because of the power of Priesthood. This blessing was so touching and so emotional. Our room was so calm, peaceful, just full of the spirit. In this blessing we heard again that Andy will be okay, but there was one thing that really touched me, it said, "may your eyes be open so you can see things that you didn't see before. May your ears be open so you can listen to things that you haven't heard before. May your heart be open to feel things that you haven't felt before. May your mind be open so you can learn and understand and remember how much our Savior loves you." I never saw it this way, to have the chance to have open ears, eyes, mind, and heart to learn as much as we can from this experience.

We are still here seating at the cancer center I see a lot of people in and out and I just pray that they can feel the love of our Savior as much as we are feeling it now.