Being at the Cancer Center

I met a lady here at the cancer center.. She started talking to me and we were chatting for a long time...

She was diagnosed with cancer 10 years ago. She started with a tumor in her neck, then cancer moved to her ribs, and then to her hips, after that to her lungs, and now is everywhere. She has the same doctor that Andy has, but her case is a little worse than any others.
She had an appointment few weeks ago and the Dr told her that her cancer has no cure, pretty much the doctor told her that she is going to die. I was shocked when she was telling me all this. She wasn't crying, she wasn't sad or nothing, she was just telling me with such a happy calm voice and a peaceful look. I asked her, "so how are you doing with this news? What do you think? What are you going to do?" And she said, "My love I am going to live every single day that god is giving me. I am not going to waste these beautiful days crying or asking why this is a happening to me. I am going to exercise and have fun with my husband and my kids. I am going to enjoy the air, the flowers, the good. I don't know when I will leave this earth but I will leave it happy and peaceful knowing that I lived every single second with happiness."
Wow! I was speechless. I didn't know what to say or anything. She gave me a hug and said... "This thing that you are doing with your husband, coming here with him every day, bringing him food, talking to him, covering with blankets and all this, this means a lot to him but I want you to know that it means even more for God."
What an amazing opportunity to meet people that know that they are going to leave soon and have so much knowledge to share. She was telling me all about nutrition and food; she is vegan. She became vegan and she swears that this is why she is here still... I know it sounds crazy but I am considering becoming a vegetarian, just like my mom and dad.

I was a vegetarian for imposition for about 18 years of my life. My parents made me and my brother and sister eat vegetarian food for all those years, I hated it. And as soon as I moved out to go to college, I started eating a lot of junk food.

Now that I have kids, I started eating better, but never vegetarian. Well, maybe this is the moment to go back to that. Probably not right now because I do not have time to cook or anything, but I am really considering to make a big change in my eating habits for me and my kids, now I understand why my parents did that to us.
I also met another lady here, her breast cancer is stage 4, it is everywhere, too, but she has not supported at all. She lost her job, her boyfriend left her, her family is ignoring her. She has a 13 year old and a 5 year old. She was crying telling me how hard life is for her. She said she is under depression, she doesn't want to eat. Her house is a mess. She is going to have to move out because she has no money. No one is helping her. I just can't imagine that. She says she drives her self to chemotherapy, and then she has to go pick her daughter up from school. I asked her how she does it. Seriously, cancer patients after chemo, are so tired. They have so much drugs in their system. There is no way driving can be safe. She said she has no choice, she has no help. She just wants to die. Once again, wow how bless Andy and me are to have all this help, all this love, all this people that care about us, family, friends, community, church, everyone, I just can't imagine us going through a situation like this with no support .
I told this lady, "Listen, I know and understand what you are going through, we are living in a situation similar to yours, but you need to do just one thing, find the way to find your Heavenly Father. Find the way to get closer to God, and I promise you, he will give you what you need. I promise you, he won't leave you like everyone else is."
We are almost half way with round two. This time has been harder than the last time. Andy is feeling worse than week one, but we are half way there. Two more rounds and we can start making a plan for whatever is next.

I never imagined to be in a situation like this, but if you know someone that is living this, has cancer or someone in their family does, please find the way to get closer to them, to show them love, to just tell them I am here if you want to cry. I see it here every day, people don't take this si ratio as good as Andy is taking it, people go crazy and most of them can't think positive and I am sure a little extra touch of love will mean the world to them.

Sometimes I think I should stop talking to other patients, because I want to help them, and I feel to involved and it hurts me to see them feeling this way. But, at the same time I love this opportunity to grow, to hear and learn that the problems that I used to have or think that I had were pointless and not important at all. The important thing on earth, and the only thing is to remember, is why we are here, the purpose of life, and us being here on earth, and just be grateful for the chance to be here.
 I love this guy I enjoy every second that I get to spend with him and I can't wait until tomorrow... last day of round 2!!!!!!!!!

Losing Your Kid

Losing your kid...
This was written yesterday...
Have you ever woken up in the middle of the night stressed out and thinking about waking up and not finding your kid in their room?? I have never had that fear, I always know my kids are safe in our house. But I remember now a conversation that I had once with one of my friends a long time ago and she was telling me one of her biggest fears is waking up and not finding her kid in their room... Well, now I know what she means because it happened to me yesterday!! I woke up at 1 am to go to the bathroom and to check on Andy because I knew he wasn't feeling good all night, and it was then when I saw that David's room was open and his lights were on. This wasn't a weird thing he sleep walks and sometimes we find him in the living room or in the bathroom just standing there.. So I said I am sure he is on the couch. I went to the living room and he wasn't there! I looked at the bathroom and he wasn't there! I went to the kitchen, to the front room, to our bathroom, to the closet, to his closet and he wasn't anywhere!! It was then when I started panicking and I went to get Andy. I was screaming "Andy! David is not in his room, I have been looking for him for the past 10 minutes and he isn't anywhere!" Andy woke up and started running. Yeah, my husband, who is doing chemotherapy, was running all over the place looking for him. I woke my dad up too, and my dad went to the backyard to look for David. Andy woke Mia up to look in her room and nothing, David was nowhere.
I can tell you it was the scariest moment in my life, losing my kid, even for few minutes was the worse thing ever. I started screaming his name, "David!! David!!" Finally, I heard a crying soft voice, saying, "Mom, I am here!" He was hiding next to our bed, on Andy's side, under some laundry and some pillows. He was crying, so I hugged him and I said, "David, what happened? Why are you here? Why were you not answering? We were so worried about you, buddy." He said, "Mom, I was scared. I was afraid that you guys are going to leave to the hospital without saying goodbye to me. I just wanted to make sure I heard when you were leaving." It totally broke my heart. My little boy is having a hard time with this cancer situation. He doesn't say anything but he is suffering from all of this. I love him so much I wish I could take this pain away from him. After I almost had a heart attack, Andy and I were not able to go back to sleep. I am glad it was just that and nothing else. We are doing pretty good today. We got really good answers today. Like I said on FB, prayers are being answered. We just got the results to see how the levels of Andy's cancer are. The normal is 0 to 8.3. Andy's first time we came were 8345. After he first chemo the levels got lower!!!! He is in 6495 we have 6490 to go but we will get there we are so happy. It is amazing how the medicine works, but it is even more awesome to see how Heavenly Father works. Before the Dr. came into the room, Andy and I said a prayer. I am so glad that we have Heavenly Father, I am so glad that we go back to him for everything. To be honest we were not like this before. We were not used to praying all day. We always believed in our Heavenly Father but we were not that close to him, and this experience is bringing us close to him again. It's been such a big blessing to know that he is aware of everything . Like I was saying, before we saw the doctor, Andy and I prayed and we asked Heavenly Father that he would please help us understand the results. Please help us take the answers okay, to accept whatever the doctor has to tell us, help us to understand your plan and to be okay with any answer. The doctor came in and said that he hopes and that his prognosis is that cancer will be almost gone by the end of the chemotherapy (all the the cycles ). He said that he is even doubting that he will need surgery, but we still have to wait to see how small the tumor is already. He said what? I was so excited, so happy, it's amazing that when you pray not asking for what you want, but asking to accept his plan, things are just easier.

I know this will be a long road still, but I am so glad to have Heavenly Father with us in every step of the way. It hasn't been easy, I am tired, I haven't slept good or eaten good. I am always on the go, getting ready to leave early and leave everything ready for the kids. It hasn't been easy and I know it hasn't been easy for Andy either, but together we are doing this and with everyone else's help.

Last night was another rough, very rough night. Andy and I got to the conclusion that this was the worst night since we started chemotherapy. He couldn't sleep. He got pretty severe hiccups and that made him very nauseated. He didn't sleep at all, nothing, not even five minutes. It hurt me to see him that way. I felt helpless there was nothing I was able to do and I hate that. I usually am the kind of person that has everything "under control" and I couldn't do anything. That part of me is gone because since Andy started, there is nothing I can do to control this situation but just pray.
Last night was also a physically bad night, but it was an amazingly spiritual night . Two of Andy's friends, Adam Mcneil and Gilberto Laparra, came to give Andy another recliner. My Andy has been sleeping in a recliner every day because he feels really nauseated if he lays down, so they came and dropped it off. Before they left, we asked them if they could give Andy a blessing. What a blessing we have as a members of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, that every time we need to hear our Heavenly Father we can because of the power of Priesthood. This blessing was so touching and so emotional. Our room was so calm, peaceful, just full of the spirit. In this blessing we heard again that Andy will be okay, but there was one thing that really touched me, it said, "may your eyes be open so you can see things that you didn't see before. May your ears be open so you can listen to things that you haven't heard before. May your heart be open to feel things that you haven't felt before. May your mind be open so you can learn and understand and remember how much our Savior loves you." I never saw it this way, to have the chance to have open ears, eyes, mind, and heart to learn as much as we can from this experience.

We are still here seating at the cancer center I see a lot of people in and out and I just pray that they can feel the love of our Savior as much as we are feeling it now.

Let it go...and picnic

This is a long post sorry!
:)
I  have been listening to this song from the movie Frozen over and over again, since my little girl loves it and we play it all day long, but honestly I think I like it more than Mia does... It totally explains how I feel, what I think, what's going on in my life right now.. And I love the feeling to just let it go...

Even though Andy felt better, physically, we had a really rough week, very emotional week, his hair started falling but now it was A LOT of hair, so one night he just told me please just shave my head, and I did, I know what they say that loosing your hair is worse for a girl than for a boy, but I can't not imagine how this can be easier for a guy...

Andy started shaving his head by himself while I took couple of pictures, after that I finished, and I couldn't hide my feelings, I been pretty good about not showing him when I am sad or when I am feeling a little down, I have been pretty good about praying right before I start feeling scared feeling afraid, but that day I couldn't, like you know, I cry pretty easy, and I did it again, I cried but this time in front of him, it was such a weird felling, a feeling like  yes, this is true, this is happening its not  a nightmare it is true your husband has cancer, this is not a movie, its real. I know his hair is going to come back, I know the hair is the last thing that we should worry about, but more than the hair is the fact to know and realize that this is really happening...

After that, Andy has been a little down, specially yesterday, he had a bad day, every time he touched his head, the small hair that he had left on his head kept falling, his head hurt, he looked totally not him, he was quiet all day, spending a lot of time by himself and I understand, finally he came and talked to me and said I am sorry I don't want to feel this way, I just hugged him and told him this is going to be over soon, this will end and your hair and everything will be back to normal...

While we wait until that happens all I can do is to think about how much I love him, how much I admire him, how much I love my kids and my family and my life... I am so blessed to have this great opportunity to grow, to learn, to forgive, to ask for forgiveness, to just live...


Like I said, Andy felt pretty good this week, so we decided to go to the new Gilbert Temple, I got a wheel chair for him and he was wearing a mask just to avoid getting sick since a lot of people was there. It was an amazing experience, the Temple is beautiful, I felt the spirit so strong, so so strong. I watched my kids and I kept thinking how blessed I am.. I truly have everything, Heavenly Father knows me, he knows how I feel, what I need, and he knew that I needed to go to the temple to feel what I felt. When we went to the sealing room, I lost it, I stood in front of those mirrors and I heard what my brother in law Nathan told to my son David, he said David look, here is the place where your mom and dad got married and they will be together for the eternity as he was saying that he was picking up David so he could see himself on that mirror, I saw him, I saw me, I heard those words and I felt it, I felt what Heavenly Father was trying to telling me that day. Leyla, no matter what, don't forget what I promised you, no matter what trials are you young thru, you and your family will be together forever, and that's what is keeping me here, strong, fighting against those feelings of fear, the knowledge that I will be with my family for the eternity... 

Heavenly father knows me, I am so blessed to have those two wonderful kids that I have, as seem of you know, I had 7 tumors on my thyroid and they removed it not too long ago, they told me it was going to be hard for me to have babies after that, maybe with treatments and things like that... When we saw Andy's oncologist he told us that same day, we start chemo on Monday but here is the bank sperm number, go on Monday before you come here, I called and made an appointment but I told Andy I am going to make an appointment just in case but lets pray about it if our answer is not  I will cancel the appointment.

Our prayers were answer, obviously we were meant to just have 2 kids, one boy and one girl, obviously this was a miracle and I am so grateful with my Heavenly Father for the opportunity that he gave me to  be a Mom, I never got sad about the answer to my  prayers, I was doubting about it when I made that appointment but when I prayed I knew this was suppose to be this way, and Andy and me decided that when the time comes, we will adopt a beautiful baby and I can't wait for that moment, I know already that that baby is watching me from Heaven and is waiting to come to earth to meet us one day... Here is when I go back to the song. "let it go" that's how I feel,  how I tell to myself. Let it go! 
It sounds silly but I looove this song :)

Let it go, let it go.
Can't hold it back anymore.
Let it go, let it go.
Turn away and slam the door.
I don't care what they're going to say.
Let the storm rage on.
The cold never bothered me anyway.....
And the fears that once controlled me, can't get to me at all
It's time to see what I can do,
to test the limits and break through.
No right, no wrong, no rules for me.
I am free!

Like I said this is a long post I just need to say thank you to every single person that helped us today, Ms Valenzuela organized this amazing event a picnic at the park for Andy, over 200 people went today to help, eat, make donations, and more, we had a great turn out it was just beautiful to see how much people care and love Andy and our family we felt the love of our Heavenly Father, I wish I could say thank you to every single person that help but I am sure I will miss people, Liz, Richard,  Rickelle, Stacey, Carisa, Heather, Lacey, Priscila, CArisa's dad, my mother in law, sister in law well the Moss family,Ms Lisa, Juli, the train ride owners, ice cream truck, Morenos bounce house, Seranos restaurant, Boulder Creek School, Paradise Bakery and even Batman!!!, and tons and tons of businesses and everyone that came it was just amazing we feel so love and so blessed it was a wonderful day thank you again!
And last thing I want to share one of the most touching things that  happened to me at the picnic, a little 4 year old girl ran into me, gave me a huge huge hug and she said, I just want to tell you that I pray for your husband every night... I can not say thank you enough to everyone that is praying for us, but a prayer from a little girl just melted my heart, thank you little Lina Burgues

 



Haircut

Well its definitely easier to write when I am at the Cancer center than when we are at home, its been kind of hard to  find some time to write and to do everything else...

We had a great end of the week, Andy had a bad day on Thursday, he was a little down, a little sad, but then on Friday when we got the results from the ultrasound and the MRI he totally went back to his awesome positive attitude, I love him so much I am so proud of him, it amazes me how strong he is, no matter how much pain he is in he is always trying to be "normal" to help the kids have a good time...

Today we were having lunch and he called me to our bedroom to show me that his hair from his head is starting to fall down.. mmm not  really sure how to react. all I did was hug him and told him this is a good thing, this means meds are working, this is good, and it will grow back again...

Also last night I had an experience with my 5 year old, David is such a smart boy,he really is, he is aware of everything, he loves his daddy. Andy is his hero, he copies everything that he does, he just loves him, well I put David to bed every night and I tell him a story every night, I sing him a song and lay down with him for a minute every night, and I love it, it is usually there when he tells me things that he wouldn't say on his busy day, so last night he started crying and I asked David what's wrong? He said, Mom, someone told me that Daddy's hair is going to fall down and I am afraid.I am afraid its going to hurt him, I am afraid that isn't going to come back. I said who told you David, he said I don't remember, so I am thinking maybe he heard me talking to someone or something like that, but he kept crying saying I will dream about it I don't want daddy to be afraid and I said, I had to tell him, I said David, that's true.

Daddy's hair is going to fall down, but it is a good thing, it means he is getting better, and its going to come back, I promise David, he said, by my birthday? (David and Andy share birthdays) and I say, yes maybe by your birthday, but my boy kept crying, so I wanted to change the subject to make him stop thinking about it and I said, wait a minute, what is that? Your tooth is getting loose!!! Its going to fall down! He was so excited, obviously I had to say a little lie, he forgot about daddy's hair for minute and couldn't stop thinking about his tooth... If I just could take all those fears from my little boy...

Speaking about Andy's hair, since we found out that Andy had Cancer, I told him form day one, I am shaving my head, I don't care what people say or anything I am shaving my hair and I am going to donate it and I am going to look the same than you so you don't think people are looking at you. I want to support you on that. Well, the day got here and I told him Andy am shaving my head... He couldn't let me do it, he talked to me and told me  please don't shave your hair, please don't do it, I want to look at you and see you pretty and looking good and happy. I don't want to wake up and see you and have a reminder of how sick I am, please don't do it (my sister,  brother-in-law Ben, brother-in-law Nathan and my brother were going to do it too) but I had to listen to him, even thoughI really wanted to do it, I want to make him happy and anything that he asks me I will do it...

Before this I contacted a friend (photographer) Jessica Downey and told her I was shaving, she gave me the same wise advice than my husband gave me, but of course I didn't listen and at the end I texted her and told her, Jessica you were right, she told me, my friend Becki Crosby  from Whippy Cake www.whippycake.com will give you a courtesy hair cut and Jessica did the pictures...

I went over to her house and got my haircut at her beautiful home... My girl Mia went with me...
When Becki started cutting my hair I couldn't help it and I started crying. My tears yes, this time were sad tears, not because I was loosing my hair that I love and had for the last 5 years,  but I was so sad thinking about Andy, about how much I wish I could take all this pain away from him I was crying telling my self why this is not happening to me, why to someone so amazing. I am not complaining or mad with Heavenly Father, I know his plan I know why this is happening, but I was just so sad thinking about the love of my life... I just wish I could just live every single thing that he is going thru to show him how much I love him to show him that I am here for him...

Becki did an amazing job, when I first met her I tried to shake her hand and she said, no no no, we don't shake hands, we hug here, she gave me a hug, she totally made me feel like if we were friends from years ago, she is such a sweet girl and I am so blessed to have been finding such an amazing people in my life...

Same with Jessica, I don't have anything to say but amazing things about her, yes she is an amazing photographer but she has a big big heart. I own her so much, I will be forever grateful for her, for the knowledge, for her help, her patience and everything, she is so amazing, I haven't tell her this but when I am around her I can feel so much peace, she has such a sweet spirit that it makes you smile. Her home feels so peaceful, it is a place where you want to be at, I love her and I will treasure these pictures forever! http://jessicadowneyphoto.com/ 

My little girl was there with me, watching every single step of that hair, at the end, I smiled, I looked at the mirror and I saw my new me- a new Leyla, a woman ready to fight against this cancer, a woman ready to support her husband and to tell the word how much I love him... I will donate this hair, and I hope someone can have some peace everytime they look at the mirror and have a testimony like I do that once again, EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY.