Isn't it crazy how much life changes in just a few months? I have never imagined my life the way it is right now, I especially never imagined that I was going to be able to feel the freedom and peace that I feel right at this moment.
As all of you know, Andy passed away of Cancer on September 30th of 2015 ( Andy was my husband, we were married for 10 beautiful years and we have two amazing kids. You can read more about his story here in my old posts).
After Andy died, my parents spent 3 weeks at my house. When they needed to go back to Mexico, that same week when they left, my sister's girl got sick and I was completely on my own. It was me and my two kids, one house, one dog and a huge to do list.
After my parents left, life was.....lets say, it was not life. I have never written about the true feelings and about the true, real things that happened after Andy was gone. Its like it was yesterday... the pain, loneliness, darkness, and more pain.
After he was gone, I started wondering why I was here on this earth? what is my purpose in life? what am I suppose to do now? who Am I? I am not Andy's wife anymore, I am not the caregiver, I am not the strong mom anymore, I am not the brave one, I am not what everybody thinks anymore, what is the purpose of all this pain?
I didn't understand what the heck was happening, I spent numerous hours on the couch, crying and screaming, not showering, especially not eating for days, not knowing what to do or where to go, depression was my only friend and everything was just plain dark and confusing.
I wanted to pray so bad, I wanted to talk to God, but I was just so mad at Him. I couldn't talk to Him, I couldn't even think about Him, I was mad, nothing was fair, nothing made sense and there was no way I would be able to talk to someone who in my mind, destroyed my "perfect life". What was God thinking? didn't He see everything that "I did for my husband"? Doesn't He know how much my kids would miss him? Why was He doing this to me, I gave it all for Andy and all for nothing? Are you kidding me? I was just mad. Little did I know, He had a perfect plan in place for me.
That same week that my parents left town, I met someone who I believe was sent by God. He was someone who helped me meet, know and follow Jesus. He was someone who introduced me to Jesus' life.
He was someone who explained and answered all my doubts and questions. He was Someone who truly cared and prayed for my salvation. This person was always very respectful and NEVER pushed me to do anything that I didn´t want to do. This person NEVER invited me to his church, nor did this person Ever ask me to read the Bible. This person NEVER told me that I was right or wrong going to the mormon church, this person left EVERYTHING to God and I never felt pushed to do absolutely anything that I didn't want to do.
This person, after I asked for it, gave me my very first bible, that´s right, I have never even read the Bible before!!
That's when I started wondering and asking questions, who is this Jesus guy? This is not the same story that I knew! Wait, what? God didn't have a wife? Jesus wasn't in Heaven with me next to Satan before I came to earth? So they were not "spirit brothers"??
Jesus is God and God is Jesus??
Why is this bible different from the one I knew??
God paid for my sins and He loves me the way I am?
So, you mean I don't have to do this, and that, and go here and wear this and that in order to go to Heaven?? wait a minute... I don't have to be perfect to be in the highest level of Heaven? God loves me just because?
I can go on and on with all the questions that I started wondering.
Darkness was not so dark anymore. Slowly all my anger towards God transformed in gratitude, gratitude for the opportunity to know that there is only one God, gratitude for the opportunity to be the mom of two beautiful kids who trust me and love me, gratitude because even after I ran away from God, He never gave up on me, He was patient, He was forgiving, He was loving, He was so worried about me and He never left my side.
It was about 2 months after Andy died when I stopped going to the Mormon church and I got baptize in a Christian church almost a year ago.
God is truly in charge. He has a plan even when sometimes it is hard to understand.
Lately I have been not just reading the Bible but truly listening to what God has to tell me when I am reading.
He has spoke directly to me through His words and I have no doubt in my heart that He knows what I am going through.
I have never had a good relationship with God before. I always believed in God but I believed that a relationship with God is like a friendship. You need to invest time on a friend, you need to hang out, talk, text, get to know your friend, be there for that friend, be honest, be loving, and I never had that with God.
It was not until two months ago when I experienced another big trial in my life ( at least big for me), when my life was turned upside down again, when I realized that my relationship with God was still not where it needed to be and I realized that He truly needs to be first before anyone or anything else.
Since then, my life is a completely new life, far from perfect, but an amazingly beautiful new life.
I wont go into details of why I left the mormon church, I just want to tell you why I decided to follow Jesus.
Jesus paid for all my sins, He died for me, He loves me for who I am, with all my million mistakes and with all my fears, He loves me.
I am free! I don´t have to do absolutely anything to earn my way to Heaven!
I don´t have to kill myself anymore trying to be this "perfect" person anymore, I can be me!!
He loves me for who I am not for what I do or don´t do. I am NOT my own savior!!! My salvation doesn´t depend on what I do, my salvation depends on my trust and faith on Jesus and I can not earn my way to God.
The Bible says on Galatians 1: 6-10
I am astonished that you are so quickly deserting the one who called you to live in the grace of Christ and are turning to a different gospel— which is really no gospel at all. Evidently some people are throwing you into confusion and are trying to pervert the gospel of Christ. But even if we or an angel from heaven should preach a gospel other than the one we preached to you, let them be under God’s curse! As we have already said, so now I say again: If anybody is preaching to you a gospel other than what you accepted, let them be under God’s curse! Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.
I believe there is only ONE Gospel of Jesus Christ, only one, the Bible.
I don´t want it to be focused on me and my sins, because I want to focus just on Jesus.
I heard something in a sermon once, What you focus on is what you move towards! This is so true, I don´t want to focus on what I can't do because then eventually I will do it.
Instead, I want to repent and put all my love and time on Jesus. I want to trust Him and I don't want to be motivated by fear anymore. I don´t want to be afraid about not being good enough because God is enough.
This week I was able to go to an amazing performance of Hossana Poetry, and I realized so many things....When I used to look in the mirror, in my moments of desperation, I used to feel like I was the victim. I was responding to so many different "names" or labels that people created for me or that I alone created for me. Names like: victim, forgotten, guilty, jealous, widow, controlling, the care giver, lonely, the angry one, the one who left the Mormon church, the one who left her Mormon friends, the ungrateful, the one with a crazy childhood, the one who runs, the one who needs to be perfect, the one who decided to date months after her husband died, the one who joined a new church, the "poor me", the one who didn't follow the rules, the Mexican, the stay at home mom without aspirations, and many other names that use to fit perfectly.
Moving forward you can continue calling me all of those names but I will no longer respond. I have new names. I am a Child of God, I am the follower of Jesus, I am a Christian, I am Jesus's friend, I am a messenger, pure, I am no longer a slave to sin, worthy, righteous, I am chosen, a citizen of Heaven, I am forgiven, loved, I am a mom who will teach her kids who God is, I have new names and I won't respond to any other.
Few months ago my mom and dad also received Jesus into their life. My mom is planning on getting baptized soon and they go to a Christian church in Mexico. My brother and sister in law also left the Mormon church.
Few months after I received Jesus, my son David, asked me to take him with me to my church. I honestly left everything to God. After much thought and prayer, I let him make his own choice to accept Jesus Christ as his only savior. He also got baptize in the Christian church, and dear friends, our life has never been better.
Of course we have our trials, of course we have grief for Andy and course life is not perfect, but nothing will take away the love that we have for God. He saved me, He rescued me from that dark place, He loves me so much that He is giving me a second chance, a chance to be with Him again.
After my choice of following Jesus, someone advised me that because of my choice to leave the Mormon church, I will never be able to see Andy again!! I am so grateful for God's word, I am so happy that I am able to talk to God and that He gets back to me. I know with all my heart that I will absolutely see him again because God loves me, because God knows me, because God doesn´t care about my defects or mistakes.
God wants me to be happy, because God is so proud of me, because God teaches us to love one another. I believe Andy knows things that I don't. We feel andy with us and Andy loved/loves me so deeply as I loved/love him so deeply.
God knows it and He wants one and only thing, God wants to see me happy. So yes I will see Andy again.
I will always be grateful with the Mormon community, the help, service and care that we received while Andy was sick is something that we will always be grateful for.
My journey hasn't been an easy one, losing my husband is not something that I had planned......leaving a church that I was part of for 12 years was not easy.....losing friendships and experiencing loneliness and fear was not simple.
My choice of following Jesus was SIMPLE.
My actions may have brought some chaos for others but I wouldn't change a thing because I am where He wants me to be. I found Jesus.
I will follow Him no matter what, no matter who, no matter the trials, and I can´t wait to see what His plan is for me and my kids.
Here is a video of the day I got baptized. Watch minute 14.02 to 14.38 :)
"We have decided to follow Jesus" and we are NOT turning back!
Love
Leyla
