Faith

WOW.. It has been a while since I wrote here... too many things going on but honestly I have been avoiding writing and opening up here..

Some people wonder why am I writing here and sharing all this when you can just keep all these emotions and feelings for yourself? Well, I just want people to know about Andy, about our family, and I am hoping that this experience can touch and even help someone going through a similar situation like ours...

I am not going to lie, I didn't want to write for a while.  I had such a bad past two weeks that I have been avoiding it.  But today I felt like it was the right time.

Andy finished his round two of chemo two weeks ago, and it didn't go that good.  After he finished he was so sick, more tired than before, and he started having bad stomach pain.  It got so bad that he wasn't able to eat or not even drink anything.  We had to go see the oncologist and he said he probably had an ulcer.  That was on a Friday so we needed to wait until Monday.  Something happened that weekend, we don't know what, but on Monday, like a miracle, Andy woke up okay.  There was no pain, no burning, nothing.  He started to eat again.  He had lost 12 lbs that week so you can imagine how bad our week was...

Not only the medical situation was bad, but personally I had such a bad week.  It is hard to accept when your mental and spiritual situation is bad, but man, it was so bad.  It got to the point that Saturday, this past Saturday, I couldn't even look at Andy or my kids without crying.  Andy kept asking me what he could do, how he could help.. but nothing helped.  Nothing seem to work.  I was so sad, so scared.  Horrible things crossed my mind.  I started thinking what if he doesn't get better? What if he dies? I have never ever had that thought in my mind since we knew about his tumor.  Not even once had it crossed my mind.  I never thought about the possibility of losing him, but Saturday it happened.  I was so afraid, I cried and cried.  I remember I went to take pictures that day and when I finished with my pictures I sat at that park by myself and just started crying and crying.  I lost it.  I started questioning Heavenly Father.  I started losing my faith for a day. It was so bad.  It was so scary.  It was just horrible.  I started thinking that he can't leave me.  Andy promised me he was going to be okay.  I started thinking my kids need him.  What are they going to do if something bad happens?  I wouldn't be able to survive without him he truly means everything to me.  What a horrible day.  What a sad and scary thing it is when you lose your faith.  There can't be anything worse than that. That night I couldn't sleep, not even for one hour.

That same night, I was told that one of Andy's friend's and his wife were in a terrible accident.  The Laparra family was injured, and Laura was (still is) in a terrible condition.  I couldn't believe it.  I kept thinking why do bad things happen to good people?  Why is this happening to us?  I relate so much to Gilberto's pain (Laura's husband) I know what he is going through.  I know what he is feeling.  The feeling of maybe losing the person that you love the most is not a feeling that can compare with anything else... that night I started praying again.  Praying for them.  Praying to be able to find some peace in my heart and get back that faith that kept me strong for almost two months now...

Nothing seemed to work that day, Sunday I spent it almost the same way.  I was sad and just not being myself.  Until, Sunday night when I got a text from one of my best dear friends, Emily Sanchez.  She asked me if she could stop by and see me.  She came over to my house.  We talked probably 2 or 3 hours, I don't even remember, she just came and listened to me, she let me talk and talk and I told her how I was feeling...

It amazes me the way Heavenly Father puts the right people in your way when you need them the most.  I don't think it's a coincidence that Emily and I became friends.  I am truly convinced that Heavenly Father knew that I was going to need someone like her in my life.  Talking to her was so good for me.  I cried and cried and listened to every single word that she said.  I can tell you that it wasn't her that was talking, I can tell you that the spirit used her to tell me things that I needed to hear..

She said, "Leyla, you can't do this by yourself.  There is someone that knows what is going on, and yes it is going to get worse.  Yes, more things will happen.  But, guess what, he knows you can do this.  You are a brave woman.  You always do what you want to do.  You always reach any goals that you want to reach. You can do this.  You need to be positive.  Really, everything that is going on, nothing, nothing is going to change.  Everything is going to be the same, but the only thing that you can change is your mind.  Thinking positive and have a good attitude is the ONLY thing that you can do at this point.  You need to find something to tell to your self every morning when you see Andy.  Say to yourself, 'yes, my husband is really sick, yes he has cancer but I can do this, I am brave, I will do this'.  And you will, Leyla".

After she left I went to bed with such a strong positive spirit.  I woke up the day after and it was the day when Andy felt better.  I woke up happy, singing like I always used to do before I showered (yes I didn't shower for 2 days, I was really sad) I got my make up on and it was just a good day.  Andy, me, and Mia (because David was at school) went out for lunch, and Andy and I kept laughing about everything.  That night we went back to what we used to do before this Cancer thing, watching shows together, we were laughing and just enjoying being together.

It is so sad and even embarrassing to admit that I fell, that I had lost my strong spirit for a weekend.  It is so sad to see how Satan can jump into your life in one second when you don't even notice it, but at the same time it is so amazing to know and see that Heavenly Father is watching you and he is aware of everything that is happening with you.  He found the way to talk to me and reminded me how much he loves me..

As you can see this blog is mostly to share my spiritual experiences.  Maybe this can be annoying for some people but I love the idea that one day my kids will be able to open this website and read how much their parents love them and what we had to go through.


On Friday as some of you know we got great news. Chemo is working and the tumor is getting smaller and the other two are gone. Best news ever! We needed this so bad, we were getting kind of desperate. It was so nice to hear that all of our efforts and everything has been worth it. The best part of everything was Andy's face, when the doctor came in to the room he said “well Andre everything is looking great your levels are down to 900”!! Andy's face changed, he started smiling and making jokes. The doctor showed us the PET scan from December and the one from two days ago and what a difference!! On the first one you were able to see his lung squeezing and pushed on the side and the tumor was huge and the other two by the lymph nodes were pretty big too and then on the new PET scan those were totally gone clear and perfect and the big one was smaller and not pushing the lungs anymore. It was such an awesome feeling, such a great experience! We still have a lot to do and 7cm is still pretty big but we are just so happy that it is working. This news pretty much got us ready and excited to start chemo again next Monday!

Today some of our friends that we met from David's baseball team when Andy was a coach had another garage sale for us! We stopped by and it was amazing, a lot of people were there. At the end of the day one of the girls came over to our house and she told me that she has been thinking of me all week, she said, “The Lord gives you the right people at the right time”, and she is so right. We feel so blessed and loved to have such amazing people in our lives. Please keep my Andy in your prayers. I know this is a long process but we still need all of your prayers.

Please keep my Andy in your prayers.  I know this is a long process but we still need all of your prayers.

:)